random thoughts

under the weather

2008-08-17T23:23:00.002+08:00

darn. i hate being under the weather.

have spent the weekend being holed up at home and mostly in bed. :(

slept most of the afternoon, so now i'm having a bit of trouble sleeping... so i'm lying awake, with a dozen random thoughts zooming around my head... i'm wondering what the coming week will bring... and i wonder if i'd finally get what i've been waiting for...

but first, i've gotta get better! ugh!

it's complicated

2008-08-16T21:25:00.010+08:00

it's been a long long time since i've last blogged. about 10 months?

i've been wanting to blog, but didn't manage to get round to it.

so why now? cos i need something to distract me before i send another sms that i shouldn't.

life is so transient, isn't it? things can be beautiful & rosy one minute, and everything can turn topsy-turvy in the next. just when i thought life is better alone, just when i've finally found the equilibrium i've worked so hard to achieve, a chance meeting changed everything.

when i was based in hong kong, i flew around pretty often. sure, i had fellow passengers make small talk to me, but it was just small talk, and no one sparked any interest in me. and then i started in my new job last december (yes, it happened many months ago) and i had to travel to kuala lumpur for training. and so on the shortest possible flight route from singapore to anywhere, i met someone.

and from then, it has been a roller coaster ride. and i'm feeling so drained.

why must life & love be so complicated?

maybe some day i'll blog about what went on... but not today...

what happens next?

2007-10-29T01:26:00.000+08:00

what happens when you find out that the person who has always had a special place in your heart has morphed into this monster that you no longer recognise?

what happens when the laidback but harmless boy from ten years ago has mutated into this cold, unfeeling bastard?

what happens when you once again find yourself suffering the consequences of your own bad judgement? for the umpteenth time?

what happens when you can't seem to trust your own judgement or instincts anymore?

what happens when someone tells you straight in your face to 'get real' and not continue thinking that husbands & wives will always be faithful to each other?

i don't know what will happen next, but i do know that i'm still reeling from the shock of it all. that it's going to take a while to sink in. that this all seems surreal and like a bad dream. and i do know that what i learnt tonight has rocked me to the core and tore my heart apart.

leaving on a jet plane

2007-10-01T06:33:00.001+08:00

i'm blogging this entry from the lobby of the hotel, while waiting for the time to come for me to catch the flight from san diego to LAX, from which i'd then catch the direct flight back to singapore.

it's been a week, and time has mostly been spent in the office & attending meetings where everything is brand new to me. i haven't decided if i want to make the switch back to the IT industry again, but this is an option. i guess new things excite me. i like learning new things, and probably because i do have a knack for picking things up quite quickly, teehee.

i guess i'll mull over this opportunity for a while, and try to straigthen out my thoughts of what i want to do. i know for sure that i'd still wanna dabble with my jewelry design, so i guess whatever i do for a day job would need to give me enough time to do that.

the weather here has been amazing, and i do wish singapore had such great weather. it's a great plus when i have good hair days everyday since it's not humid. haha.

well, for now, i can't wait to get home and catch up with my friends. jen is back for a week and i'd be meeting up with her & eileen on wednesday, and then there's the hen's night for jade on friday. think i should be meeting aug on sat, and then it's jade's wedding on sunday. hmm. sounds like a busy week! and i feel like a social butterfly!! lol.

ok, enough nonsense for now. gonna get ready. i'm leaving on a jet plane.

answers

2007-09-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

i've gotten my answer. i guess i've known it for some time already, but just refuse to accept it. or i simply still hung on that glimmer of hope.

now that i've gotten my answer, it's time for closure.

time to move on...

a trip down memory lane

2007-08-25T14:51:00.000+08:00

been spending the past couple of hours clearing out one of the columns of storage cabinets in my room. i thought it'd be a quick & easy task, but i find myself slowing down and going through the forgotten relics of my past.

autograph books from secondary school days, greeting cards & best wishes cards from yesteryears, photos, letters & cards from ex-boyfriends... this little journey down memory lane has indeed jolted the memories that lay dormant in my mind for the longest time. friends that i've lost touch with, places i've forgotten i've been to, crafts that i used to do.

i was going through this series of cards from an ex-boyfriend who used to send me a card (along with a pretty generous gift) on very 'monthly-versary' that we've had. as i re-read the words in the cards, i realized that sweet although the gesture may be, but the words mostly weren't his. they were written by quite a number of somebodys whose jobs were to write the most poetic, loving & touching words for greeting cards. i would much prefer words, however less poetic, to come straight from the sender. but oh well, i guess i couldn't complain. at least i got a card every month. bleah.

ok, now back to packing & throwing out junk again.

laters!

no place like home

2007-08-21T01:44:00.000+08:00

after a year of ups & downs, i've learnt so much about myself, and i've also learnt to appreciate the very things i've taken for granted in the past. it has been an incredible journey, and i don't regret making the decision to venture out.

but now, i'm glad to be home.

seriously, there's no place like home. and i guess you've gotta be away for a while to really understand that.

is this goodbye?

2007-08-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

we actually had a lovely time just sitting on the couch, looking at the pictures & videos from his recent dive trips. he was especially chatty, not like his usual reticent self. well, i guess it's because he's talking about something he's passionate about. and for that moment, i remember why i fell in love with him so many years ago.

he was running late for his flight, yet he still sat there, going through the many video clips on his laptop to find the clip of the 'frog fish' that i was so curious about.

and then finally, after finding the clip and explaining what he knew about the species to me, he was really late and had to run. without a word, i dragged one of his 2 suitcases out of the apartment. he said that was too heavy for me, and told me to drag the smaller one instead.

we walked to an adjacent street to flag for a cab. after loading the suitcases into the trunk of the cab, he turned to me, said thanks, gave me a semi-hug and a kiss (not something he'd usually do). i said 'bye', turned and didn't look back to wave my goodbyes.

as i walked away, i felt tears well up in my eyes. is this really goodbye?

princess' farewell

2007-08-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

had a little farewell party with some of my good friends here in hong kong last night. dinner was at lanna, a thai restaurant in times square, and the tom yam soup there is fabulous (albeit pretty spicy), and i absolutely adored the angus beef. very tender & moist. perfection!

after that we proceeded to CEO, a huge karaoke joint just 3 mins from my place. it was good fun, and we sang till 5am in the morning. i don't think i'd have the opportunity to do something like that again once i'm back in singapore.

the sound system in the first room we got was pretty bad, and kuan finally couldn't stand it and requested for a room change. and we're so glad he did that! the new room we got was much better & it was newly renovated. it even had the nintendo Wii!!!!

played a bit of Wii tennis & baseball with pris and today i'm paying dearly for it. my lack of exercise for the past months means that i have not used certain muscle groups in my upper torso for a long long time, which translates into major muscle pain today.

but still, a small price to pay for a lovely night (and morning) with my friends!

macau macau

2007-08-05T10:41:00.000+08:00

gonna make a very short trip to macau today with cheryl to visit jo!

i'm feeling a bit sniffly now (thanks to all the crazy travelling & late nights) and i do hope that i'll be ok. this will be my 2nd visit to macau, and i do hope to see a different side of the city...

what a day!

2007-08-05T10:17:00.000+08:00

this post is a bit delayed, given that it's already sunday and this very eventful day i'm about to blog about was friday. but hell, here goes nothing:

i was in hangzhou to attend the brand launch of a skincare brand, and was scheduled to fly back to hong kong on thursday on the 3.35pm flight. however, we were having quite a bit of fun and i decided to extend my stay for one more night to hang out with the folks. so my dear friend (the brand manager who invited me for the launch) reassured me that his staff could help book me on a flight back the following day.

which did not happen. as it turns out, all the flights (a grand total of THREE) back to hong kong were fully booked, including business and even first class, so there was no way i could catch a flight back on friday. i was about to give up and catch the 3.35pm flight back on thursday when i decided to book a flight into shenzhen on friday instead. after much hassle, i was finally booked on the 11.50am flight to shenzhen.

so on friday, my friend woke up late and we had precious little time to do a lil bit of sightseeing at westlake. so it was a mad mad rush. and we simply HAD to purchase some purple/lilac pearls, which are unique to westlake, and ended up wasting quite a bit of time haggling over the price. my friend reassured me that i don't need to be at the airport that early for my flight, since it's a domestic flight, so he kept insisting on dropping at a few points along the way back to the hotel for pictures.

as it turns out, i was 17 (my favorite number, by the way) minutes late for my flight. and therefore not allowed to board. my ticket couldn't be changed, so i have to purchase another ticket for the next flight into shenzhen (i'm gonna charge all this to my friend's company!!), which was at 3.05pm. since i had time to kill, i grabbed a bite at KFC (thank goodness i did!) and then took a little nap while perching on highly uncomfortable steel seats near the check-in area.

we had to take a pretty long shuttle bus ride to the plane, and just when i finally thought i was all set to return home, the pilot announced that due to bad weather, the plane is grounded and not allowed to take off. ^%$!&^#*&(*)^(*^

and so began the four hour wait (yes, FOUR EFF-ING HOURS) with a lot of false hopes of taking off. i was getting really miserable as after landing in shenzhen airport, i still had to catch a cab to lowu train station, catch a train to tsim sha tsui, and then catch another cab back to causeway bay. the thought did not put me in a nice & cheery mood. the girls beside me were pretty nice and we starting chatting. however, the little lass in pink on my left was getting a little too chatty and kept turning to spout some useless bit of information every 2 minutes. i wanted so much to tell her to zip it, but she's after all being friendly, so i decided to just grin and bear it.

when i got to shenzhen, i was SO relieved to find that there was a direct coach service to wanchai, hong kong. light at the end of the tunnel!! although it wasn't quite as 'direct' as i would've liked (take MPV to immigration checkpoint in shenzhen -> bring along luggage to clear immigration -> hop on to coach headed for wanchai -> bring along luggage to clear hong kong immigration -> hop back onto coach headed to wanchai), it was nonetheless much better than the cab -> train -> cab option.

so in the end, i reached home at around 11.30pm. 7 hours later than expected. DANG.

i'm a brunette

2007-06-28T18:20:00.000+08:00

i had a new 'revelation' today. based on Poppy's theory, brunette is black.

yup. i'm officially a natural brunette.

'hot' (grand)mama

2007-06-28T17:32:00.000+08:00

as i was making my daily grand ascent from the MTR platform at admiralty station to the lobby of my office tower (a grand total of 6 levels, and only 2 has escalators to aid the ascent), a most amazing sight (other than the blinged up to the max lady from yesterday) greeted me.

there was this chinese lady, and i place her to be in her mid-sixties. yes, 60s. she had bleached blonde hair with streaks of strawberry pink, and was wearing a space-y looking yellow top with the collar flipped up. she also had on a pair of glittery black sequinned shorts (shorter than bermudas, but longer than hot pants), and shiny patent boots. to complete the ensemble, she had a gold & cream shoulder bag.

wow. this lady has spunk.

bling it to the max

2007-06-26T22:21:00.000+08:00

i've just witnessed this unbelievably bling person at the MTR station when returning home from work earlier.

it's A-MAZ-ING.

i first noticed her 'cos she dashed across the platform even though the train wasn't even near approaching. then she stood next to me, right smack in front of the doors. i really don't understand people like that-- how are you going to get in when the people inside are trying to get out???????? (sorry, that's one pet peeve of mine)

and as we were standing there waiting for the next train to arrive, i noticed how blinged-up she was. let me count the ways: sparkly silver hairband, bling crucifix round her neck, bling bling t-shirt, bling belt, bling on her bag, bling bling ring, bling-studded watch, silver sequinned canvas shoes. and she was probably in her mid to late forties.

i. kid. you. not.

and although i'm a pretty bling person myself, please please please just kill me if i ever end up like this in my 40s. or whatever age. just kill me.

lunch hour

2007-06-25T13:41:00.000+08:00

i have always marvelled at the very efficient way that fast food outlets in Hong Kong are run. not the macdonald's and KFC's, but the Cafe de Corals and Fairwoods.

for the unacquainted, this is how the system goes in such fast food restaurants:
1) there is a menu board which lists the available items. there are 'evergreen' items, and items that are changed on a regular basis. whenever an item is sold out, the staff will remove it from the menu board.
2) you queue up at the cashier to order the item(s) you want. you will be issued a receipt/coupon to 'redeem' your food items at the food queue.
3) you then proceed to queue up at the food queue to pick up your ordered items. you pass the staff your coupon, and staff A will call out the items over the mic, and place cutlery on your tray. staff B will prepare the rice/soup and place onto your tray. staff C will prepare your drinks and place onto your tray. staff D will retrieve the main dish from the kitchen area (where there is an army of cooks to prepare the food) and place onto your place.
4) you then pick up your tray and proceed to look for seats in the seating area.

this is a very efficient system, and there's also a separate food queue for takeaways. however, because of the sheer density of the population, and the fact that these fast food places offer very good value-for-money, they are always packed, especially so during lunch hour(s).

so in order to ensure maximum efficiency and effective use of the lunch hour, this is usually how i orchestrate our lunch party of 3 or 4 co-workers.

co-worker A: queue up to order items
co-worker B: queue up to pick up food items
co-worker C & D: look around for available seating

all of the above should be done simultaneously to maximize efficiency. after co-worker A gets the receipts/coupons, she proceeds to pass the coupons to co-worker B & joins her in the wait, so that she can help move the trays to the seats that co-workers C & D have found.

i'm not kidding you that this whole process is a very stressful experience. if you are waiting for seats, you'll have to breathe down somebody's neck & shoot 'will-you-hurry-up-and-not-blabber-on" looks at regular intervals (which they will pointedly ignore); if you are the one consuming your lunch (and therefore occupying a precious seat), the abovementioned will be done to you (which you will pointedly ignore). it is a very uncomfortable experience, given that i am a bit more civilized and considerate than the average hong konger (ahem). i usually avoid breathing down somebody's neck (i keep a respectable distance) and i usually try not to take longer than i have to to complete my meal.

also, there is also the instance of having to 'battle' for seats. case in point: lunch earlier. our team of 3 co-workers already have our lunch trays, but co-worker C has failed to secure seats for the party. thus, co-workers A & B both have to join in the foray. so co-worker A (i.e. me) has to stand beside a table of 3 men who were on the verge of finishing their meal but are still blabbering away (actually most of the blabbering was done by ONE of them. who says women are the ones who can't keep their mouths shut???). there was this other guy (X) who was waiting between this table and the next, and i keep trying to catch his eye to signal that 'i've been here first'. unfortunately, X keeps avoiding my gaze. so at long last, the party of 3 blabbering men finished their meal, and left the table. co-worker A (me again) had to do a lightning-quick move to plonk her handbag down on the seat. X looks bewildered and still wanted to claim the seats as his own. so co-worker A said to him "we have 3 persons". X: "huh?" A: "3. 3 persons." X: "oh." and so X moves away.

co-worker B notices that X looked very helpless. co-worker A explains: "survival instincts. no choice. we already have our food, so what did you expect me to do? let him have the seats and then wait on while our food turns cold??"

sigh. i don't like the way i have to behave while in hong kong.

i'm so glad i'll be leaving soon...

of handheld games & game addicts

2007-06-25T11:47:00.000+08:00

i've never understood the obsession that Hong Kong has with handheld games. there's the PSP and the Nintendo DS Lite, arguably the 2 most common ones i've seen around.

it's quite an amazing phenomenon here-- you'll see executives dressed in suits whipping out their handheld game consoles in the middle of a packed MTR train, a table of co-workers (i'm talking a table of 9 or 10) all playing with their handheld games while waiting for their lunch to be served, a group of teenagers furiously punching and jabbing at the buttons on their handheld game consoles while waiting for more friends to join them at the MTR station.

i don't have any violent objections to this 'trend', except that 1) said game addicts leave the sound/music ON while playing, causing irritation/disturbance/annoyance to other passengers in the train; 2) said game addicts shove their elbows in other train passengers' faces/chest/back/other applicable body parts in their zest; 3) said game addicts obstructs the way for other commuters since they are so engrossed in their game-playing to care or bother' 4) i think it is quite an anti-social thing to do, especially when hanging out with friends.

ok, this post is quite pointless except that i had to get it off my chest.

p.s. i think it rather un-dignified for a well-dressed, well-heeled executive to be playing (complete with mad tapping on console and tensed facial expressions) 'Diner Dash' or its likes eh?

perhaps it's not meant to be

2007-06-22T12:03:00.000+08:00

perhaps it's really not meant to be...

it has been almost 2 weeks... yet still no word.

ideals & 'projections'

2007-06-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

just when i was contemplating 2nd chances (or 3rd, for that matter), i came across this post by mykel...

http://theseawithin.blogspot.com/2007/06/ideals.html

interesting...

and so it is

2007-06-20T10:38:00.001+08:00

and so it is.

i've just sent the formal notification of my resignation to my boss (aka 'throw letter') proposing that my last day of service in the company is 31st july 2007.

initially i put the date as 10th august. and then i changed my mind because i simply cannot work with the vampires that are my colleagues any more. they simply suck the lifeblood out of me. what's more, i can have more time to go on the holiday(s) that i want, and possibly even accompany my mom to shanghai if she really decides to go.

hmm... sounds good.

i'm having a smile plastered on my face and i can't help it.

teehee.

preparing my exit

2007-06-18T16:06:00.000+08:00

as i ponder over when my last day of work should be, it suddenly hit me that i'll be leaving hk very soon. as in, very soon.

i have about 2 months left, and actually, that's not a lot of time. there are things that need to be taken care of, arranged, planned, cancelled, etc.

plus i want to take a short holiday before i move back to singapore. so more planning there.

wow. time flies indeed. in just a little while it'll be time to bid hong kong adieu...

of punctuations & emoticons

2007-06-15T10:52:00.000+08:00

have you ever considered the vast difference in the ways that men & women interpret mobile text messages? and sometimes, even email messages. but it's more pronounced in the case of text messages, because the writer usually doesn't have the time or simply just doesn't further elaborate what he/she is trying to convey.

how many times have you sat with your girlfriend (i'm addressing the female population now), mulling over the latest string of text messages or just one single text message that received from a fella? this fella is usually someone the said girlfriend is keen in, or has at least some vague interest in.

you'd mull over every choice of word, punctuation, emoticon (or lack of)... the written word, when in short, concise messages, can be interpreted in so many ways. and punctuation alone can make so much difference.

for example,
1. what are you thinking of [no punctuation; probably neutral; possibly in response to another question, like, 'where do you want to have dinner?']
2. what are you thinking of? [with a question mark; so can be a sincere question, or a cheeky, mischievious one, especially if coupled with any of these emoticons-- :) :-) ;) :P ;P... you get the drift]
3. what are you thinking of?? [with 2 (sometimes more) question marks; may convey confusion, accusation, incredulity, etc, depending on what preceeded the message]

so, see-- there are so many ways things can be interpreted. and it's all subjective. and we have a choice to take it at face value, or choose to read between the lines (although, sometimes there are no lines at all, just line; haha) and find some 'hidden' meaning that may not even be there in the first place.

but men-- they're different, generally speaking. they don't care if there's punctuation or not. they don't care if you put in that smiley emoticon or left it out. it would help them decipher your mood for the day, but hell, it wouldn't kill them if there isn't any. for the women (not all lah), if they don't see a cutesy emoticon in the message, their mind would start to race and 2 dozen questions will start popping up in their heads-- is he angry? is he upset? is he unwell? is he so busy that he can't take 1 second more to add in that bloody emoticon? who's he with? what did i do wrong? does he not care anymore? does he not love me anymore?

are you guilty of that? or know someone who is? i know i am someone who reads way too much into messages-- especially from people i'm interested in. and i'm a keen observer. e.g. if guy X usually messages using T9/predictive text messaging, then the first word, and the word immediately after a full-stop would be have a capital first letter. so if the first word of the message didn't come with a capital first letter, but the words immediately after a full-stop does, then i'd know that he had to revise his message before sending to me. which means that he probably has something that he doesn't want to/dare to say to me, or he changed his mind along the way. something like that. i have a lot of other theories & observations too, but i'll leave those as my little secrets.

muahahahaha....

yes, so i'm a little weird. i've warned you already, right up there with the title of my blog. i'm a little outta touch, a little insane... ;)

absence makes the heart grow fonder (?)

2007-06-14T17:50:00.000+08:00

so do you think that absence does indeed makes the heart grow fonder?

or, do you subscribe to the theory that human beings are basically 贱, and therefore always long for what we can't/don't have.

i can't decide which theory to subscribe to. i guess i just have to wait till 'absence' turns into 'presence' again.

catch me if you can

2007-06-14T09:30:00.000+08:00

it's a rainy day here in hong kong.

and for that reason, umbrellas have been mushrooming in the streets.

and therefore, the floors in the mtr stations are wet. the mtr corporation sadly doesn't provide umbrella bags for us to slip our umbrellas into to prevent getting the floors wet. i guess that will increase their costs and therefore erode their profits. so they do what's next best-- they loop an announcement made in cantonese, mandarin and english to inform you that due to the weather, the floors are wet; so please exercise caution (not exactly in those words lah, but you get the drift).

and so, i was trying to exercise caution. in fact, i walked slower than i normally do. but still, i slipped (and this is right after i witnessed the fella in front of my slip a little at the exact same spot. although admittedly, i'm a little distracted today). and so, in my bid to regain my balance, i flailed my arms around, and grabbed some random passerby for support, and then, just as i was about to regain my balance, i lost it again. i was sensing impending doom... i. was. going. to. skid. across. the. length. of. the. walkway. and. fall. flat. on. my. back. but then i heard footsteps. running footsteps. the guy i grabbed hold of for support actually did an about-turn and ran after me to prevent my fall. he grabbed hold of me just in time and i'm forever grateful. i looked up and fully expecting to look into the face of a chi-ko-beh fella, but was pleasantly surprised to look into the face of a guy in his late-3os or so. not very tall, and has that educated-overseas look. i think he spoke english to me. although i didn't quite register what. i was just thanking him profusely.

and then when we parted ways, i regained my composure and tried to straighten up my clothing a little and then continued walking (even slower this time). nerves a little frazzled, pride a little dented, and may have pulled a muscle a teeny bit. but other than that, i'm fine.

and to that gentleman (oh, so few of them here in hong kong!!)-- thanks, you were my knight in shining armour for that one brief moment.

girlfriends are still the best-est

2007-06-13T16:34:00.000+08:00

girlfriends are still the best-est!

girlfriends are there when you need a hug, need a listening ear, need someone to advise you on what to wear for the date/interview/meet-the-parents dinner/etc, need someone to help you strategize your next move to snag that guy you've got your eye on.

and girlfriends are the ones who'd patiently & lovingly pick up the pieces when you've got your heart broken by that jerk.

when you're sick and alone, girlfriends are the one who'd text you every few hours to check that you're still alive, and cook bee-hoon soup for you...

and when you're bawling your eyes out and kicking yourself for being an idiot again, girlfriends will tell you 'no, you know you're not an idiot', give you sound advice, send you encouraging text messages, and once in a while, a giant bouquet. of calla-lilies, your favourite flowers, no less.

thank you, my lovely lovely girlfriends.

and thanks jade-y, for the bee-ew-tee-fool bouquet.

相爱无梦

2007-06-13T15:38:00.000+08:00

this song is sung by Julian Cheung (张智霖) & is the theme song of hong kong drama serial 《西关大少》...

beautiful melody, lovely lovely voice (ok, so i'm biased) and very meaningful lyrics (to me at least, right at this moment) ...

by the way, this song's in cantonese...

____________________________

相爱无梦
- 张智霖

跟你抱着
未等于爱上
不再抱着
未等于不想
你我在这分钟
说过无缘再见
下秒钟再凑巧碰上

即使一起
貌合却又神离
分隔两地
日夜挂着愁眉
再各自结新欢
却暗地拿你去比较现有的
始终偏袒你

有心爱你却爱不到
抱紧了你却又未想终老
再等到与对方失散以后
就会知原来谁最好

爱不到至会更想爱
抱紧了你我又无心装载
我跟你也破不到
男与女之间
爱情的定数

一个过活
恨抱着情人
一对过活
又挂念谁人
到了话要分开
你我尚有恻隐
又再探听对方新闻

解脱

2007-06-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

解脱
- 张惠妹

爱是不夜城
回忆像星辰
热泪越沸腾
我越感觉有点冷

变了心的人
越想越伤人
枯坐到清晨
阳光替房间开了灯

想若结局一样
又何苦再想
想若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走
我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦

想若结局一样
又何苦再想
想若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走
我有自由好好过
心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人再担心我

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走
我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦

great expectations

2007-06-12T13:43:00.000+08:00

ex·pec·ta·tion / [ek-spek-tey-shuhn]
–noun
1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.
5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.
6. the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
7. Statistics.
8.the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

a little (well, not so little) word that encompasses so much. it can give you much joy-- in anticipating something good, something positive, something favorable. but yet, it can bring you crashing down when they are not met.

take a look at your life-- how many times have you been down in the dumps because of unmet expectations, whether of yourself, of others, or things & situations. expectations are generally a good thing to have-- gives you something to look forward to. but yet it's so important to strike a good balance in your expectations. set your standards too low, and they kinda lose their purpose (my view), and set them too high, and risk being disappointed or hurt.

i know i'm guilty of setting expectations on people; especially people who mean something to me, or are special to me. maybe it's a factor of setting high expectations of myself when interacting with them. i know it's not fair and i know it's not healthy, but i guess i'm just wired that way. i'm trying to re-adjust my expectations, even zero-rize them in some cases, but it's really tough. but i guess i need to learn to, to prevent myself from more pain & hurt.

i wanna take things easier, and one way of doing it is lowering my expectations of others, especially those who matter to me.

so wish me luck as i embark on another chapter in the "Growing Up" course...

remedy for swollen eyes

2007-06-12T11:54:00.000+08:00

cold spoons.

darn. wish i'd heard of it earlier. wouldn't have to spend so much time trying to de-puff my eyes this morning. and had to do a smoky-eyed look to make my eyes look less puffy/swollen.

bleah.

are you alright

2007-06-11T18:42:00.001+08:00

this song brought tears to my eyes when i listed to it just now. maybe it's my raw nerves...

are you alright
- lucinda williams

Are you alright?
All of a sudden you went away
Are you alright?
I hope you come back around someday
Are you alright?
I haven't seen you in a real long time
Are you alright?
Could you give me some kind of sign
Are you alright?
I looked around me and you were gone
Are you alright?
I feel like there must be something wrong
Are you alright?
'Cause it seems like you disappeared
Are you alright?
'Cause I been feeling a little scared
Are you alright?

Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you?
Hug and kiss you?
Hug and kiss you?
Are you alright?

Are you alright?
Is there something been bothering you?
Are you alright?
I wish you'd give me a little clue
Are you alright?
Is there something you wanna say?
Are you alright?
Just tell me that you're okay
Are you alright?
'Cause you took off without a word.
re you alright?
You flew away like a little bird
Are you alright?
Is there anything I can do?
Are you alright?
'Cause I need to hear from you
Are you alright?

Are you alright?
re you alright?
Hey...

old emails

2007-06-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

life is weird. this morning i woke up in an incredibly good mood and then something happened and my euphoria came crashing down.

and then somehow, it triggered me to look at the old old emails i saved... from up to 9 years ago. and then i realized that i have been loved. i mean, really loved. as i looked through those old emails, i realized that a lot of men really cared for me, as evidenced by the email trails from yesteryears. and then one trail particularly stood out. it was from a senior in varsity, someone i had a crush on. very very nice guy, very caring, very attentive, very sincere, very good guy. and absolutely adores me. i had a crush on him first. but he liked some other girl in the committee we were both sitting in. and then at some point, he started liking me. during exams, he would cycle out of the campus to buy me supper and then appear at my hostel room door with yummylicious supper for me & my roommate.

he used to give me inspirational books, bookmarks, and what-nots. but then slowly, i got scared. cos he was husband material, not boyfriend material. and i hadn't even had my first boyfriend yet! he was the sort you'd want to settle down with... and then one day, he really freaked me out. we were just chatting, and he said that his pastor asked him to serve full-time in the ministry. so i encouraged him to, if he feels that it's his calling. and then he paused. for a significantly long time. and then he asked, "if i take care of the people, i'd need someone to take care of me. will you take care of me?" i froze. i don't remember how i replied him, but i somehow ended the conversation and hung up the phone. i was really really scared.

a couple of years after i had graduated, we somehow got in touch again. from the email, i guessed we bumped into each other at some gate. (i have no recollection exactly which gate) here's how the email began:

"I miss u. Such joy when I caught a glance of you at the gate. Much more came when I received this email. Sorry for the delay though, been really caught up these couple of days."

apparently he had tried to contact me via my pager because he bought me a birthday gift the year before, but i had terminated my paging service by then. he told me that he was still using & re-using an inspirational calendar i got him a couple of years ago. after some updates in the email, he asked to meet up with me soon, very soon. and ended the email with "I miss u" again.

as i read through the slew of emails from him, i realized that this guy was really in love with me, and really adored me. each and every email ended with 'all my luv', 'right here waiting', 'tonnes of luv', etc. you might think it cheesy, but if you really knew this guy, he meant it. of course, the young & stupid me then didn't realize this. i was just too scared and having too much fun dating the "bad boys". i mean, they're not really bad boys, but guys who were obviously wrong for me. i guess at some point i told him i was seeing someone, and then i started to respond very very slowly to his emails. and i guess he took the hint and then the emails ceased altogether.

we still kept in touch thereafter, once in a while. he moved on, of course. he's now married with kids. i'm sure he makes a great husband and father.

too bad i was too young & restless...

but still, it's good to know that i was once much much loved by this great guy.

random things that tickled/annoyed me today

2007-06-08T15:54:00.000+08:00

random things that tickled/annoyed me today:

'either' is pronounced as 'ai-da'
'L' (as in the alphabet) is pronounced as 'el-lo'
cashier at herbal remedy shop is named 'Coke' (no idea which variety though-- the drug or the soda)
fella on 28th floor who didn't get in the lift until the very last minute, and i had to use my quick reflexes to press the 'Open' button in time
said fella in (4) didn't even mutter a word of thanks
said fella pressed '21' on the lift panel but when the lift stopped at the 21st floor, took forever to register the fact and then shuffled back & forth the threshold of the lift and the lift lobby for about 3 seconds, as if doing a little jig

gossip-mongers, hypochondriacs & what-nots

2007-06-08T10:55:00.000+08:00

sigh. the people & pace in HK really drives me crazy.

it's just another typical day. people squeezing and shoving in the MTR train. people who abso-effing-lutely have to read their morning gossip papers in the sardine can-like environment of the train carriage, thus shoving their rag mags into the faces/arms/back/(fill in whatever applies according to victim's height in relation to perpetrator's height). people running across the platform although there is no awaiting train there. people running to be the first to reach the escalator, only to stand on the right side of the escalator to read their gossip rags. GAH!!!

and then, after having to climb up 4 storeys to the lobby of my office building, more annoyance. people who simply refuse to press the "Close" button on the lift panel even thought they are right in front of it. simply refuse. meanwhile, yours truly will try to squeeze the way to the front so as to punch the "Close" button repeatedly while giving said perpetrators a "tsk" look. and today, ho! there was a man whom i believe is a hypochondriac. he used his key to press the floor button, and refused to hold the door open for others trying to get out of the lift by pressing the "Open" button. i wanted to induce a sneeze that will conveniently fall on his hand just to see his reaction. kidding!

anyways, enough of ranting. as an aside note, i'm curious as to whether the army camouflage print is back in trend. in the space of 2 seconds on the escalator, i saw someone wearing pants in said print, another wearing a top in said print, and yet another holding a bag in said print. hmm.

my england powderful no more!

2007-06-07T16:38:00.000+08:00

i figured that if i'm to stay here in HK for much longer, my standard of English is really going to degenerate.

i have to speak English really slowly or in a HK/Taiwanese accent in order for my colleagues to understand me. for example, i have to say "car-lar" so that my HK colleagues know that i'm referring to "colour". and i can't say "lift" (as in "elevator"), i have to say "lib". and most of the time, i can't speak in proper English sentences. gosh, i miss that!

however bad Singapore English is thought to be, i realised that at least for my peers & i, we can speak in proper English when the ocassion calls for it. it's just that we prefer to speak in Singlish because it can best express what we feel. try finding an English word to substitute "shiok", or "kena", or "sian"...

so, i have to return to Singapore, and soon... cos i don't want my English to degenerate (any further), and i miss speaking Singlish to folks who can actually understand it!

technoidiot never learns

2007-06-07T16:31:00.000+08:00

gaaaaaaaaaah... Poppy the technoidiot is at it again.

she just asked our administrator to email her the "software" of the price list.

good grief!!

when will she learn??? WHEN???

the six o'clock syndrome

2007-05-31T17:57:00.000+08:00

this is super frustrating. somehow, the work ALWAYS seem to FLOOD in at 6pm. M Company (i.e. the company i'm slogging for) somehow has this culture of waiting till the last minute. maybe i've proven to be a super-efficient worker way too many times. throw it to me and i'll get it done in a jiffy. now they're spoilt. now they always like to wait till the last minute to throw things at me. and it's always needed 'ASAP', 'now', 'immediately', 'urgent'.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

*deep breaths*

soon.... soon this will be over...

*deep breaths*

!^&$)*(&()*$&)(*&_(*)(*$#%(*

technoidiot

2007-05-30T11:24:00.000+08:00

was chatting with my dear friend last night, and we were just exchanging 'stories' about our *cough*incompetent*cough* colleagues, and was thus inspired to write this post.

please be warned that the following might cause you to laugh out loud (very loud) and therefore if you are reading this during office hours, please proceed with caution.

you have been warned.

______________________________________________________________

so, i have this colleague whom we shall call Poppy. Poppy is rather peculiar, and although she's said to have a lot of experience in the industry, has launched a brand here in the hong kong market a few years back and was in some regional role in a major player in the industry, her actions and work don't really seem to reflect this.

anyways, Poppy is what i would call a... i don't know how to put this politely... technoidiot. yup. she is CLUELESS about technology (very very very basic skills with the computer), to the point of hilarity.

a few classic examples:

Poppy wanted me to send her some forms from XX Inc. so that she can work on the brief. so she pointed to the hardcopies on the table and asked me to email those forms to her. so i told her i only got the hardcopies from XX Inc.

and then she asked me, "you mean they didn't email you the software for those forms?"

for a moment, i went blank. completely.

then i realised she actually meant "softcopy".

so i told her, "no, i only have the hardcopies. XX Inc didn't send me the softcopies."

and then she said, "really?? they didn't send you the software of those forms?"

i wanted to laugh AND smack her head at the same time.

but i did neither.

_______

Poppy wanted to transfer her existing number to another telco/service provider, so she asked our administrator to check on it. so our adminstrator asked her what her current telco was.

(FYI, the telcos here in HK are: SmarTone-Vodafone, CSL, Peoples, 3, PCCW, Sunday, New World Mobility)

our dear Poppy answered, "3G."

at which point, another colleague & myself who were nearby were biting our lips to keep from laughing out. then our administrator repeated her question, "no no, what is the service provider you are currently using? is it SmarTone? 3?"

and then Poppy very indignantly replied, "3G!!!! it's 3G!!!" and then she pointed to the top left hand corner of the mobile phone screen and said, still very indignantly, "see, it says 3G here!!!"

at this point, it was physically painful to keep from laughing out loud. and therefore i must say that i have to hand it to my administrator (a young lass of only 24, mind you). she just very calmly said, "nevermind, i'll check it myself" and promptly took the phone from Poppy's hand.

*applause*

__________

you may now pick yourself up after being done rolling on the floor. ;)

A, B, X, Y

2007-05-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

A little story about the mad way people work in M Company.

_________________________________________________________

Once upon a time, A prepares document X.

A then emails B document X.

A goes for meeting in country Y and doesn't have access to document X.

A asks B to email summary of document X.

B emails A document X.

A questions B (???!!!) regarding contents of document X.

B replies A that it is exactly the information as per contained in document X.

A asks B if B is sure.

B faints.

The end.

'scissors'

2007-04-13T17:55:00.000+08:00

this is a funny analogy that i came up with while chatting with my colleague on msn messenger about the... (hmm, what's a nicer way to put it...) peculiar way the folks at our licensor work... my colleague could hardly hold in her laughter and at the end of our conversation, i cut & paste parts of our conversation to form the following.

i think it's a classic and have decided to post it up here for a good laugh.

all in a day's work!

_________________________________________________

Scissors:
A cutting instrument for paper, cloth, etc., consisting of two blades, each having a ring-shaped handle, that are so pivoted together that their sharp edges work one against the other

_________________________________________________

Personnel from XX Inc.:
What do you mean by that?

Revised submission from M Company:

A pair of scissors has 2 blades, and in the centre is a pivot mechanism. On the other end are safety handles what you slip your fingers into to guide the movement of the tool.

When you part & close the blades as guided by the fingers through the handle, the blades will cut the material when they meet. Repetition of this parting & closing movement along the length of a material will enable you to separate it into 2.

The usual practice is to slip your thumb through the hole of one safety handle and your forefinger and middle finger into the other safety handle. This of course, can be tailored and adjusted according to individual tastes and preferences.

I have attached herewith a picture of some typical designs of scissors.

The color, size of blades, size of handles, and overall design can of course be tailored according to individual tastes and preferences. For example, we can change the handles to a more rectangular shape and the color to white, grey or black to be in line with the XX concept of cool, trendy & minimal.

A small and discreet XX logo can also be embossed onto the blades near where the pivot is.

回老家

2007-03-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

made a short trip to panyu, china over the weekend to visit a grandaunt (grandaunt L) whom i've not seen for the past 15 years. she used to work as a mah-jie in a rich household in singapore, but moved back to china 15 years ago to spend her twilight years with her relatives there.

i made the trip with my brother, who's here for the Standard Chartered Marathon, together with another distant grandaunt (let's call her grandaunt Y) & her daughter-in-law. i am so glad that i made this trip with my brother-- i don't think i would have been able to stand the barbed remarks and bossy attitude of the overbearing grandaunt Y.

it was a good trip on the whole-- grandaunt L is healthy & strong for her age (she's 91), except that she can't see very well due to cataracts. she was overjoyed to see us, and we were told that she couldn't sleep for the past few nights as she was too excited over the prospect of seeing me & my brother again.

we visited our ancestral hall (on my mom's side), a scenic park-garden (宝墨园), had yummylicious cantonese cuisine, and played with firecrackers!!! the firecrackers must surely be the highlight of our trip there... i was trying to capture the scene with my digicam, and my squeals of delight, excitement & terror were recorded as well!

it was a great weekend, albeit very tiring-- i had difficulty sleeping as (1) grandaunt Y was incessantly nagging grandaunt L the whole night in the next room, (2) i had to share a bed with grandaunt Y's daughter-in-law, and i was afraid that if i turned or tossed, i'll wake her; so in the end i had to concentrate on keeping really still, (3) sounds from the street flitted in through the open windows-- sounds of neighbours shouting out to one another in the morning as they started their day, sounds of tooting horns from motorcycles passing through the backlanes, sounds of chirping birds...

i enjoyed the time i spent with my brother-- he's so caught up in his own life and his own social circle that we hardly spend much time together anymore. so this was indeed a precious precious weekend.

gimme a break!

2007-02-16T12:03:00.000+08:00

i'm going home tomorrow!! can't wait to get back!

it's gonna be a week long (actually, 9 days) break for me, and i just can't wait to get started! have arranged to meet up with my friends, and i'm just so excited!! now trying to get through another hour of work (we've got a half-day off today) before i scoot off to have lunch with my gal pal, do a spot of last-minute shopping, a massage, and a facial. ahh... bliss....

soft spot

2007-02-14T18:37:00.000+08:00

i meant to blog about this for some time, but i kept getting distracted by a lot of things... but i just saw a post that my brother put up on something related, and i'm prompted again to write this post. so, here goes...

____________

i've always had a soft spot for old folks. think i've mentioned this somewhere in one of my posts before. i guess it stems mainly from the fact that i'm very close to my grandma-- with whom i've shared a room for my whole life up to the point when i left for hong kong.

so when i see poor old ladies on the streets picking up drink cans and scavenging the garbage bins to find something of resale value, it really breaks my heart. i oft wonder-- how many people actually pass them by with nary a backward glance? i often have the urge to go up to them and maybe help them with the heavy load of things they're carrying, or to show some concern in some small measure. but of course, there's always a reason (or an excuse) not to-- rushing for time, carrying a huge load myself, or, more often than not, too bothered by what i think people might see or think... it's not something i'm proud of, obviously.

so in the end, i try to help in other ways... other more anonymous ways... like the other day the tv station was broadcasting some documentary-style fundraising program for an organization called "Senior Citizen Home Safety Association", which aims to help elderly folks who stay alone or don't have anyone to take care of them. they issue a device called "Personal Emergency Link" (PE Link) which will connect them to a 24-hour emergency hotline. beyond that, the service workers at the help centre will make periodic calls to registered elderly folks with the PE Link to check on their well-being. the organization was founded by a group of citizens in 1996 in response to the heartbreaking news that more than 100 elderly folks living alone were found dead during a cold spell.

initially i opted to donate an amount equivalent to paying for the service for 1 old folk for 2 months. by the end of the program, i was all tears and had resolved to donating an amount equivalent to paying for the device for 1 year. don't get me wrong, the program didn't try to show how pathetic these old folks are, instead it was just presented in a very documentary-style way. which i appreciated. no dangerous stunts performed by celebrities, no lucky draws to tempt the greed in mankind... just plainly and simply, a sincere request for donation to help these old folks. many of whom have children, but have been what i call 'abandoned' or 'neglected'. sigh.

so anyways, in case there is actually someone reading this blog and you're interested in helping these old folks, you can visit this website: www.schsa.org.hk

a forgotten birthday

2007-02-12T15:46:00.000+08:00

while typing and pounding away on my computer today, i thought of the possible birthday gifts i should get for my gal pal who's turning 30 this week. and then suddenly i remembered that his birthday is very near hers. and then i recalled-- his birthday falls on 9th february.

which means that i've missed it.

which means that i've actually missed it!!

i know it sounds odd, but i actually am applauding the fact that i've let this day slipped by with nary a thought about it being his birthday.

i guess moving on and healing is like time passing-- it happens when you're not paying attention... especially when you're not paying attention...

can't... breathe...

2007-02-01T17:52:00.000+08:00

whoa, the air in hong kong is really bad today. as in, REALLY bad. i made a speedy trip to the post office during lunch hour and when i was outside, i had a bit of difficulty breathing. the air feels heavy & laden and then i remember that my brother is coming over in march for the standard chartered marathon and i'm seriously quite worried for him. running a marathon while breathing in the smog that passes off as air here ain't no joke.

better get him prepared for it.

reading habits

2007-01-31T10:53:00.000+08:00

have been wanting to ~~bitch~~ blog about this for some time already. but somehow the thought gets lost amid the chaos when i enter the office.

anyways, here goes: why do people read their papers/magazines/book while walking during RUSH HOUR, and in the process cause unneccesary delay to other commuters who are trying to get to work on time? these fellas will stand on the wrong side of the escalator (fyi, if you're gonna be stationary on the escalator, please keep to your right), move like molasses towards the exit, and advance at snail's pace up the stairs.

and then there are those who will read their materials in the sardine-packed, full to the brim, bursting at the sides MTR trains, and again, during RUSH HOUR. it's already a frigging pain to get on the train in the morning during rush hour, but these fellas will insist on taking up even more space by holding up their materials in front of their faces. and guess what? they're usually not even reading the news of the world-- it's the gossip rags of which celebrity's spotted with which, and who wore what to which event.

drives me crazy.

every single day.

my little epiphany

2007-01-04T18:14:00.000+08:00

i wonder if it's age catching up with me, or an epiphany that came to me in living alone abroad.

suddenly, the big corporate world with its long ladders and pressure-cooker environment has lost its appeal to me. what's the point of working, no, slogging so hard everyday, doing things that you don't particularly like to do, dealing with people that you don't particularly enjoy dealing with, to earn that monthly wage so as to purchase that oh-so-desirable gadget/dress/bag/shoes/wallet/etc that you'd soon get bored of?

what's life when you don't have someone to share the ups and the downs, the serious things and the silly things, the noise and the silence, the exciting and the mundane, with? i'm not saying that everyone must have his/her 'other half' to be happy. i'm saying that this 'someone(s)' could be your family, your good friends...

this little revelation hit me hard especially on new year's eve. i was feeling really down and in the pits from my homesickness and the general feeling of being lost, and i didn't want to be alone on new year's eve. so i asked my friends about their friends, and all of them, each having their 'other half', said that they won't be doing much-- it'll be crazy crowded out there, and they'd much prefer to stay home and watch tv. but luckily, 2 of my friends issued separate invitations to join them & their other halves, and i took up one of the offers. it was just a simple meal at their place, followed by some tv time. they looked quite tired, and i couldn't bear to impose on them any longer, and so i left before watching the countdown on tv. i reached home at 11.59pm, and as i turned on the tv, the countdown began... first it was 30... then 20... then 10... and then, 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

i could hear the screaming from times square, which was about 5 minutes from my apartment, and all i could do was say 'happy new year!' to the air and no one in particular. after that i just sat there, and all i could think of was, 'so, it's 2007. ok. and then?'

i could remember so many new year countdowns where i was much happier, filled with anticipation and excitement and hope. but this year, it was just bleah. is it the age? or because i was lonely and alone?

and at that moment, all i wanted in the world was to be home. where i'll have my family and my dear friends around me. where there'll be voices to tell me that '2007 is gonna be better! just watch and see!'. but all i could hear then, beyond the screaming and thumping music from the maddening crowd in times square, was...... silence. and then i heard the silent tears in my heart.

so now i know-- all i want for 2007, is to be back home with the people i love and the people who love me. i want to happy doing what i do to earn a living. i don't have to have a fat fat paycheck every month (although having that would be nice), but i want a balanced lifestyle. i want time to spend doing the things i like, and time to spend with my family and friends. i want to tell the people who matter to me that they matter to me.

and i want to follow where He leads.

my mother (part II)

2007-01-01T18:38:00.000+08:00

i think i've inherited my artistic flair from my mother. my mother does chinese calligraphy and chinese painting, and i must say that she's pretty good at it. she started lessons maybe 6 or 7 years ago, and has since converted the many walls of our home into her private gallery. i remember she once told me that she realised one day that her paintings seldom feature bright colours. she said that maybe it's a reflection of how she feels. it was like a giant stab in the heart when she said that. there are some things that i can help to change, but some things just can't be changed.

despite the dark clouds in my mother's heart, she's always been the life of the party amongst her friends-- the one with the witty repartee, naughty jibes and quick thinking. as long as my mother is at a party, then there'll always be no shortage of laughter there. she used to tell me all the nicknames she's cooked up for her teachers in school, as well as her friends. my mother is really quite the joker! she's well-loved and well respected, not only because she's a joy to be with, but also because she's truly a friend that one can depend on. my mother would be the one sending her friend to the doctor's when she's ill, the one her friends would call in the middle of the night if there's any trouble, the one who would just go that extra ten miles just for a friend. and she does this willingly, and without an expectation of reward or return. i don't think i know anyone else like that.

recently, when my biological grandmother passed away, a lot of truth has come to light, and for that, i'm really glad for my mother. one of her sisters, aunt j, used to be a fruit wholesaler in the late 80's. she did well, and was a very wealthy lady. but then that was not to last for long-- her business went down, and not soon after, she was declared bankrupt. before this happened, she handed my mother some money for safekeeping. the money was meant for my cousins' school fees and such. this sum of money was depleted after a while, with my cousin going for her diploma and needing money to buy books and such. and one day, when aunt j asked my mother for her money, my mother told her that there wasn't anymore. aunt j was very very upset and through the years, harboured the misconception that my mother kept the money for herself. she did not know her sister well indeed. at my grandmother's funeral, my mother and her siblings got into a heated debate, and somehow, the truth was spilled. when the money that aunt j left with my mother went dry, my mother still continued to give my cousin money for her school fees, and even pocket money. in short, my mother paid for my cousin's education and supported her through those few years when she was studying for her diploma. but my mother didn't broadcast this. she did it silently, and willingly. she didn't want my cousin's future to be in jeopardy because of her parents' financial ruin. when aunt j found out, she was so broken and sorry-- she had mistook her sister's love for selfishness all these years. and my mother was relieved that the truth has finally come to light. she thought that my cousin knew the source of the money all along, and was very puzzled by the attitude shown by aunt j, and the nonchalance of my cousin, who showed nary a bit of gratitude to my mother. but even when my mother suspected that there was a misunderstanding, she wasn't one to go declaring what she had done for her, and the injustice that she has suffered.

amazing, isn't she?

my mother (part I)

2006-12-29T17:55:00.000+08:00

my mother is one of the most amazing women i know. she's not a high-powered executive of some multinational, no long strings of academic achievements, no record-breaking feat or anything that the world in general classifies as 'amazing'.

she is a mother of 2-- my brother and i. she quit her job when she had me so that she could concentrate on taking care of us full-time. and i'm forever thankful that she did.

as a mother to 2 young children, my mother was very strict and stern. we were not allowed to open the fridge on our own lest we chomp on some junk food and spoil our appetite for lunch/dinner. we were not allowed to take things-- sweets, toys, and whatever that came between-- from others without first seeking her approval. when we cried for reasons unjustified, she would threaten in cantonese, "i'm going to count to three, and if you still don't stop crying, you're going to get it from me... one... two...". usually by the count of 2, the wailing of my brother or mine would be reduced to silent hiccups.

when my dad bought our first family car, my mom took on the role of family chauffeur-- she drove my brother and i everywhere (well, mostly me lah). she would ferry me to school, to ballet lessons, to chinese dance classes and whatever other classes i was attending. this is something that is carried on to this very day (when i'm back in singapore). yes, my mom still gives me a ride to wherever i need to me at this grand old age of mine. call me spoilt if you want, but this is my mother's special way of telling me that she loves me. and i'm not about to silence that.

my mother is a very helpful and kind-hearted soul and generosity is her middle-name. she would always volunteer to help out at charity functions during my schooling years, but preferring to stay behind the scenes to do all the prepartory and dirty work. when a handicapped person comes by our table at the hawker centre to sell one of those over-priced soft toys, my mom would oblige, and always with a kind smile. believe you me, she has no use for that toy. she's the one who would call in during televised charity fundraising shows and donate by denominations of $50-- don't call her gullible or naive; my mother just wants to help however and whenever she can. she would sometimes quietly make out cheques of hundreds or even a thousand dollars to charity, and never one to boast of this in front of her friends. and mind you, my family is not a fabulously wealthy one. we're middle-income and comfortable, but by no sense of the word rich.

my mother is also a woman of strength. in all of my 30 years, the times i've seen her cry can be counted with my 2 hands. (with a daughter who cries over the news, this is pretty amazing.) the 2nd eldest in her family of 8 siblings, she was the one who took control and organized the funeral proceedings when her father passed away many many years ago. there was the usual squabbling and pushing of responsibility, and my mother being my mother, decided that that isn't going to get them anywhere, so she called for the squabbling to stop and then decided to take control of the reins. the same thing happened again earlier this year, when her mother passed away. she was the pillar of strength, the level-headed and calm one who made sure that everything was well-taken care of.

of the tears that she has shed, much of it was out of sheer frustration. i know that she feels stuck-- her 2 children are now both grown adults, and are capable of taking care of themselves, and are financially independent, so it's time for her and my father to take things a little easier, and perhaps go on a well-deserved long vacation or two. but then there's my grandma (my mother's foster mother). my mother loves my grandma dearly, but she can't help but feel trapped as she has to take care of her and also listen to her endless grumblings and mumblings and sighs and nags. my mom would only go out to do some grocery shopping, and my grandma would ask a gazillion questions on where she is going, when she is coming back, etc. and if my mother stayed out for just a while longer, she would come home to a sulking grandma who would alternate between throwing tantrums and self-pity. i wish i could do something, but my grandma only wants my mother to take care of her. and she isn't someone who's easy to take care of.

there was an incident when my mother cried in recent months-- just before my big move to hong kong. she was very supportive of my decision, and has been telling me that it's a good chance for me to see the world and experience something new. she was all smiles and nonchalance before her friends and my extended family, who kept plying her with questions of "you bear to let her go meh?". one day, while giving me a ride to town, when the car was stopped in front of a red light, my mother turned to me and said, "girl ah, if you encounter anything unhappy there, you must let us know ok, don't keep it to yourself and bear it alone...". and then her voice broke and she started sobbing. i was so stunned for a moment. then i reached for a napkin and passed it to her, and then rubbed her shoulders and reassured her that i will. i had to muster all my willpower to blink back my own tears. it was at that instant that i realised that i'll forever be my mother's little girl, her little princess who has to be cherished and protected from the big bad world. my mother was worried, and it pained her to see her little princess go, but yet she didn't want to keep me from my dreams...

To be continued...

what makes me me

2006-12-29T11:45:00.000+08:00

the office email is still down, and somehow, the weekend & end-of-year mood is creeping up on me, and so i'm feeling a little distracted and restless.

was reading a few blogs over the past few days (somehow, blogspot blogs are some of the few sites that i can actually access), and i was prompted to write this entry-- what makes me me.

_______

i'm the girl (actually, it should be woman, but i still prefer calling myself a girl. at least for this entry) who has a heart of made of marshmallows. she may be all tough and jaded on the outside, but she's the girl who would tear when watching the news-- wars, conflict, tragedies, triumphs of mankind... i'm the girl who likes to indulge herself in weepy korean drama serials and who relishes the feeling of free-flowing tears down her cheeks. i'm the girl who would pause to give to the old beggars round the street corners whom everyone passes with nary a glance. even though she has been warned that they are probably not 'real' beggars but part of a syndicate. but when she sees their dirty faces, sad eyes and matted hair, she can't help but feel sorry for them. especially the poor old ladies with silvery white hair. 'cos she would always imagine if her beloved grandmother was in their shoes.

i'm the girl who seemingly has a fantastic career and a bright future ahead of her, but what she really wants is a family to call her own and be a doting wife and mother. i'm the girl who cries while ironing her clothes not because she's feeling sorry for herself, but because she is suddenly overwhelmed with all that her mother has done for her and the family. here she is, ironing her own clothes for barely a few months, and it's already feeling like such a pain & chore. what about her mother? over 30 years of ironing clothes for a family of 5, in addition to all the other household chores. what is her little inconvenience compared to her mother's giving?

i'm the girl who hates the smell & taste of bamboo shoots.

i'm the girl who loves the smell of the air just before and after the rain. i'm the girl who always tries to be there for her brother, even though the reverse may not be true. it hurts when he puts others before her family & her, but he's nonetheless her only brother, and she would want to be there for him as much as she can.

i'm the girl who loves bling-bling and has a tiny obssession for beautiful jewellery & accessories, and who hopes to have a daughter to one day inherit all these sparkling & glittering treasures. i'm the girl who loves to snooze in bed in the morning, hiding under the warmth of her down duvet and willing the day to be a weekend instead.

i'm the girl who is harbouring a crush on someone from her past, but thinks that the feeling is not quite so mutual, and therefore is carrying a certain heaviness in her heart. afterall, it's been a long long time since she felt anything that remotely like this. not since her heart got broken by the boy who sees a sad sad world.

i'm the girl who laughs more than she screams on thrilling & heart-stopping theme park rides. i'm the girl who wishes so much for someone who would go on childish theme park rides with her and win soft toys (that don't have much use) for her at funfairs. she wants to share cotton candy and popcorn, hotdogs and taiwanese sausages with that special someone while laughing and giggling without a care in the world.

i'm the girl who's terrified of lizards but will valiantly face and track down a cockroach on her own. i'm the girl who thinks that dogs and cats and other domesticated animals are cute-- but only in photographs or more than 5 feet away from her.

i'm the girl who adores dark chocolate but would settle for milk chocolate when the former is not available. white chocolate is hardly passes for chocolate, but she'd settle for it sometimes (beggars can't be choosers). i'm the girl who's got a slight addiction to coke light and is hounded by many to give it up in favour of its more 'sinful' cousin-- coke, the real thing, in all its sugary glory.

i'm the girl who loves her parents dearly, but could never say the words 'i love you' right out loud to them, even though these very words were uttered to boys who have stolen her heart through the years. i'm the girl hopes that someday she can send her parents on an extended vacation in a city of their choice, and on a business class flight, no less.

i'm the girl who sings in the shower and dances in front of the mirror when no one's looking. i'm the girl who hates the sight of hair strands lying on the white carpet in her room. i'm the girl who was the fierce little girl in school and wouldn't hesitate to challenge the boys to a fight although her bark is actually much much worse than her bite.

i'm the girl who doesn't like to gamble because she doesn't like the feeling of losing. when her friends are short of one 'leg' at a mahjong game, she'd fill in, but only on the agreement that if she wins, she doesn't take, if she loses, she doesn't give. i'm the girl who still wants to believe in happily-ever-afters even with rising divorce rates and growing number of friends with unfaithful spouses or other-halves.

i'm the girl who misses home and wants to return home soon.

home is where the heart is

2006-12-27T17:44:00.000+08:00

so. i'm back in HK. and back to work.

the past 12 days have whizzed past in a jiffy, and now i'm just left with a heavy heart.

this trip home, i realised how much i miss home-- singapore, with all its idiosyncracies, my family, my friends...

no matter how well i can blend into the fabric of HK, i'm still only someone in transit-- here to experience a different life, here to learn something new-- but i'll never feel quite at home. sure it's an exciting city, with a vibrance that singapore lacks, but it can never be a place i can call home.

and this trip home, i realised several things-- 1) no matter how much i complain about things in singapore, it is still the place i want to go back to, and settle down in. 2) i want to move back home soon (maybe in six months? maybe 1 year max?)-- i figured there wouldn't be many more years that i can spend with my aged grandma (she's 90 already), so i'd better spend as much time with her as possible. there's also the fact that i would still like to settle down (yes, in singapore), and if so, i should move back soon & at least i'd be meeting people who are already in singapore. and i also figured that as long as i'm based in hk (or anywhere else for that matter), my holidays will all be spent visiting singapore, which means i won't be going on any proper holidays.

added to the above reasons is that i'm not truly happy with my work. as in, i feel that my hands are tied in so many ways-- internal battles, battles with the licensor, etc etc. as with any licensing agreement, there are many rules & regulations that we have to adhere to, and that would translate to mean very little autonomy. and i'm used to autonomy. so this is not good.

and in yet another epiphany, i realised that i would rather earn less, but in a job i love, then to earn a fat paycheck but be miserable. there's only so much misery one can take.

so, we'll see where this journey takes me. we'll see where God leads.

and in the meantime, i'm missing home already.

and i only got back to HK last night.

happy birthday mommy

2006-12-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

had been planning for a dual surprise for my mom today... got her the anteprima bag she has been eyeing since a year ago, and got my aunt to bring it back to singapore with her, with instructions to deliver it to my mom on her birthday.

also ordered a big bouquet to spice up her day. the plan was to have the bouquet arrive in the morning, so that she'll not be expecting anything else.

called her in the morning to ascertain that she'll be at home throughout the day... and when 1pm came and went and still no call from her, i called her and realised that she was out with her friend to run some errands. i had no choice but to tell her that something will be delivered, so i need to know what time she'll be back home.

good thing is that she didn't suspect anything after that, so at least the 2nd surprise worked. my aunt delivered the bag at 5pm, and my mom was thrilled. i guess beyond the gift, it is the heart & the effort that she saw...

happy birthday mommy.

warmth... at last!

2006-11-28T14:19:00.000+08:00

finally got a nice little heater for my office... i'm been freezing my a$$ off since we moved to this new place.

the heater fan is a little noisy, emitting sounds that should be coming from a machine 5 times its size, but hey-- i'd rather live with the noise than the cold!

肥肥火锅

2006-11-27T18:15:00.000+08:00

the weather's a bit cool right now, and i was just having a craving for steamboat... hmm...

and as luck would have it, pris is home early from work, and we're gonna have 肥肥火锅！yums!

am so looking forward to it...

moving on...

2006-11-24T18:33:00.000+08:00

out of the blue, he contacted me via MSN messenger just 2 days ago.

we chatted for a while, found out how one another is doing, and surprisingly, i was very calm about the whole deal. i didn't feel the compulsion of asking him about HER, nor wanting him to know that i still think about him sometimes. the thought of telling him that i dreamt about him just a couple of nights ago flitted across my mind, but was easily squashed.

well, i guess this is just as well.

i guess i'm finally moving on...

what a tuesday morning...

2006-11-21T10:51:00.000+08:00

just got back to the office after getting my HK ID done... have to go back to collect it 2 weeks later... i'm quite relieved now that i've more or less settled this... at least i can now enter & exit hong kong with greater ease & efficiency, apply for local credit cards, and a post-paid mobile phone line...

i was rushing to get to the immigration department this morning, and had to wait for more than 5 minutes for a cab... this process usually takes less than a minute. i had an appointment to apply for my HK ID, and i didn't want to be late. so imagine my frustration when fellas keep popping out of nowhere to intercept the cabs coming my way. there was this middle-aged aunty who walked further up the street, about 10-20m from me, to try to get a cab before me. but too bad, when a cab came by, so did a bus, and the bus stopped at exactly where she stood (not very smart of her to flag for a cab at a bus stop!), and so the cab stopped in front of me instead. i feel a tad bad for her, but nonetheless hopped into the cab. like i said, i don't want to be late for my appointment!

there was a darn jam on the way to the immigration department, and en route, i saw this huge billboard (don't remember what it was advertising for-- a karaoke perhaps?), and the model had eyes that remind me so much of him... i had to mentally shut off his image...

and then 2 minutes later, i came across another billboard-- this time smaller, and is advertising for a construction company of sorts. it had a huge logo that read: KADEN. hmm... well, i've never come across anyone who's named kaden (other than him, and that's because it's the english name i picked out for him), nor seen it anywhere else... but there it is-- in red and bold.

there was a twinge of sadness, and as i listened to my favourite songs list on my ipod, memories danced in my head... again, i had to mentally shut off the images... it is not good to dwell...

he's online now... part of me wants to say hi and find out how he's doing... the other part is afraid... perhaps it's better not to know...

limpy impy

2006-11-20T12:02:00.000+08:00

i'm limping again...

yup. all that walking and bringing my aunt & cousin around over the weekend has aggravated the injury. plus i was squatting down to handwash some of my clothes and thus pulled the tendon again.

my aunt & cousin had to ban me from leaving the house last evening as i was limping really bad. just went to the 'sinseh' again, and this time it's the mother of the guy i went to previously. she's good... after about 5 minutes or so of massaging, i can feel the pain lessen... she gently reprimanded me for behaving as if my injury has recovered when it hasn't...

i was given this icky concoction to drink-- super bitter!! she also gave me this little pack of pills to eat at 10pm tonight. that looked like a hell lot of pills, so i asked if i'm to take it at one shot. she said yes. goodness! i'm just wondering how on earth i'm going to swallow them with that phobia of mine... showed the pills to my colleagues and one of them remarked that they look like fish food.

great.

well, this time i'd better take better care of my foot... no salsa class for me this week... again...

sigh.

inane conversations

2006-11-15T14:12:00.000+08:00

ever thought about how inane our 'polite conversations' sometimes are?

today, while rushing to work, i saw this man tap another on his shoulder. guy B, has his earphones plugged in, turned and then upon recognising guy A, waved 'hi'. he then proceeded to remove the earphone from his right ear.

guy A: "good morning! listening to music huh?"

guy B: "morning! sorry, what did you say?"

guy A: "listening to music?"

guy B: "yeah, yeah!"

and if you had seen me at that point, you would've seen a HUGE thought bubble above my head saying "what the... ??!!"

i mean, isn't it obvious what guy B was doing?? did guy A expect an answer like "no, actually, i'm watching a movie with my space-age contact lenses. i can watch a movie AND see where i'm going at the same time! you should try it sometime!"

duh.

and then it got me thinking, hmm, we do ask a lot of stupid questions and have inane conversations while trying to be 'polite'. for example, we bump into someone at the food court. we say our hi's, and then proceed to ask each other, "having lunch?". like, DUH??!! maybe one day i should just reply, "no, actually. i love the free food smells in here, so i came by to hang around for a while."

ok. i know this is quite an inane blog entry too.

haha. now back to work.

hitting the g-spot

2006-11-12T11:24:00.000+08:00

nope, it's not what you're thinking of. haha.

although that's what i was trying to lead you to think.

after 3 months of procrastination, i've finally gotten my lazy butt off the couch and hit the GYM. yup. i only spent 30 minutes there, but hey, i think it's a pretty decent start.

was out with my friend yesterday, and was so easily breathless climbing up and down the many stairs that are the trademark of Hong Kong. she encouraged me to hit the gym and also taught me some exercises i can do while sitting in the back of a cab, or even when watching tv. pretty simple stuff, but effective.

i set my alarm to go off at 9.30am, and thought about sleeping in a little more and forget the gym. but a little thought kept nagging me, and at 10.00am, i finally woke up and decided to head for the little room in my apartment building that passes off as a gym (there are only 4 machines in the room).

i guess other than health, a big part of it is vanity. i wanna look good at my thirtieth birthday party!! (if i'm actually going to have one)

freezer of an office!

2006-11-09T12:28:00.000+08:00

my office is a freezer.

i can wear my long-sleeved shirt and my sweater, and i still shiver. my hands are like ice, and i can't even make myself a hot drink to warm up-- we've run out of those huge galloon-sized Watsons Water!!! how not to fall ill easily??

the joke is, somehow, my boss' room is warmer than the rest of the office. and he's a polar bear. he thrives in low temperatures. and he goes around complaining and complaining about how warm it is in the office. on monday, we were having a meeting with our Japanese colleagues in the conference room, and he complained about the temperature AGAIN. the 5 ladies all agreed that it was really cold, and he's the only one who said it was warm. and he said we're weird.

in the end, i couldn't take it no more and had to dish it to him: "well, 5 of us all agree that it's cold, and you're the ONLY one who thinks otherwise. i think the abnormal one is YOU."

sweet smile.

haha. he's finally got nothing to say!!

twisted ankle

2006-11-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

sigh.

have been feeling giddy the whole day, so decided to head back home early today. better get some good rest before Da Boss comes back from his business trip tomorrow.

needed to get a couple of things, so decided to take a detour before heading home for dinner. still feeling a little giddy and blur, i missed a small step when crossing the road, and twisted my ankle. ouch!

but me being me, i recovered from that slight stumble and continued walking, as if nothing has happened. but all the while with a slight pain in my ankle.

it's nothing serious, and my ankle just hurts a little now. i guess i was more embarrassed than anything.

i wonder-- is that plain pride, or just being able to pick myself up after a fall or stumble??

10m dash

2006-11-08T09:35:00.000+08:00

woke up feeling really dizzy. according to my dear friend (she's so sweet-- always bringing me dinner when i fall ill), the viral infection probably affected my ear too, and therefore causing ear imbalance & dizziness.

anyways, figured i had quite a bit to do at work, so decided to head for work instead of taking another day's rest (as prescribed by the doctor).

yet another train ride where the commuters are packed like sardines in a can. when we got to the Admiralty station, most of the commuters spilled out of the train. some headed for the connecting train on the Tsuen Wan line, and others headed for the exit. and every single day, there would be this bunch of jokers who would dash for the train or dash for the escalator. when i say 'dash', it's not just walking briskly; it's RUNNING. yup. well-dressed ladies and gentlemen who run like the wind for the train or escalator. completely baffles me. what's the big rush for??

ok, enough of this bitching. time to get back to work.

Self-Discovery Quiz Part Deux

2006-11-07T23:06:00.000+08:00

Here's more...

1. Consider (or have done) sky-diving?
2. Slapped someone on the face?
3. Been slapped on the face?
4. Had a pillow fight?
5. Consider yourself creative?
6. Prefer Jennifer Aniston over Angelina Jolie?
7. Stay friends with your ex(es)?
8. Have a secret no one knows but you?
9. Like rollercoaster rides?
10. Kiss with your eyes opened?
11. Consider (or have done) bungee-jumping?
12. Prefer beauty over brains in the opposite sex?
13. Shoplifted?
14. Have regrets?
15. Have scars?
16. Have body piercings?
17. Have friends that you can trust your life with?
18. Have tattoos?
19. Prefer Coke Light over regular Coke?
20. Eaten a whole tub of ice-cream in one sitting?
21. Eaten a box of Oreos in one sitting?
22. Hugged the wrong person by mistake?
23. Ever dyed your hair?
24. Ever cried at weddings?
25. Snort when you laugh?
26. Skied?
27. Heavy sleeper?
28. Snore?
29. Keep a diary?
30. Like to cook?
31. Had surgery?
32. Are you a perfectionist?
33. Are you a morning person?
34. Are you left-handed?
35. Currently regret something that you have said/done?
36. Curse frequently when you get mad?
37. Enjoy jazz music?
38. Enjoy country music?
39. Enjoy talking on the phone?
40. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person?
41. Changed a diaper?
42. Changed a lot over the past year?
43. Have a pet?
44. Own an iPod?
45. Set a part of yourself on fire?
46. Been to a concert?
47. Been to a full-length feature ballet/dance performance?
48. Met someone via the Internet?
49. Gone on a blind date?
50. Questioned your heart?
51. Enjoy blowing soup bubbles?
52. Watched the sunrise with someone special?
53. Had a wish come true?
54. Made prank phone calls?
55. Been kissed under the mistletoe?
56. Flown a kite?
57. Built a sandcastle?
58. Wish you could live somewhere else?
59. Consider yourself sentimental?
60. Thought about suicide?
61. Lost your temper today?
62. Lost your temper in the last 5 days?
63. Trust others way too easily?
64. Have secret fears?
65. Have a poster in your room?
66. Get claustrophobic?
67. Untie your shoelaces before taking your shoes off?
68. Are you sarcastic?
69. Ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
70. Ever been stood up?
71. Ever done something you didn’t want to in order to make someone else happy?
72. Carried a girl’s handbag?
73. Ever cried in your sleep?
74. Ever smoked a cigar?
75. Ever talked on the phone all night?
76. Are you afraid to die?
77. Had a crush on your classmate?
78. Tried to hear the sound of waves in a giant seashell?
79. Afraid of going to the dentist?
80. Consider yourself romantic?
81. Own a Britney Spears CD?
82. Every thrown up in public?
83. Use a chapstick / lip balm?
84. Ever watched a weepy Korean drama serial?
85. Sleep with the TV on?
86. Ever drunk milk straight out of the carton?
87. Do you talk in your sleep?
88. Consider yourself successful?
89. Do you wish on your fallen lashes?
90. Ever got drunk?
91. Ever called someone you weren’t supposed to when you were drunk?
92. Good at keeping secrets?
93. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
94. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
95. Ever written poetry?
96. Are you comfortable with your height?
97. Ever written a song?
98. Been addicted to something?
99. Enjoy shopping?
100. Had a crush on a teacher?

Self-Discovery Quiz

2006-11-02T10:50:00.000+08:00

Found this MEME on someone's blog (who in turn found it on someone else's blog)...

1. You can only say YES or NO.
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks!

1. Taken a picture naked? no
2. Painted your room? no
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? no
4. Drove a car? yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? yes
6. Have a crush? yes
7. Been dumped? yes
8. Stole money from friend? no
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes
10. Been in a fist fight? no
11. Snuck out of your house? yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? yes
13. Been arrested? no
14. Made out with a stranger? no
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yes
16. Left your house with out telling your parents? yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? no
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yes
20. Seen someone die? no
21. Been on a plane? yes
22. Kissed a picture? yes
23. Slept in until 3PM? yes
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes
26. Made a snow angel? no
27. Played dress up? yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? yes
29. Been lonely? yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? yes
31. Been to a club? yes
32. Felt an earthquake? yes
33. Touched a snake? no
34. Ran a red light? yes
35. Been suspended from school? no
36. Had detention? no
37. Been in a car accident? yes
38. Hated the way you look? yes
39. Witnessed a crime? yes
40. Pole danced? no
41. Been lost? yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? yes
43. Felt like dying? yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? yes
45. Sang karaoke? yes
46. Sucked your thumb? yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? yes
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? no
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? no
50. Kissed in the rain? no
51. Sing in the shower? yes
52. Made love in a park? no
53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes
54. Glued your hand to something? no
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? no
57. Been a cheerleader? yes
58. Sat on a roof top? yes
59. Didn’t take a shower for a week? no
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? yes
61. Played chicken? yes
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes
63. Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? yes
64. Broken a bone? no
65. Been easily amused? yes
66. Laugh so hard you cry? yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? no
68. Cheated on a test? yes
69. Forgotten someone’s name? yes
70. Slept naked? yes
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? no
72. Performed on stage? yes
73. Blacked out from drinking? yes
74. Played a prank on someone? yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? yes
76. Made love to anything not human? no!
77. Failed a class? yes
78. Choked on something you’re not supposed to eat? no
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? no
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? no
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? no
82. Thrown strange objects? no
83. Felt like killing someone? yes
84. Thought about running away? yes
85. Ran away? yes
86. Did drugs? no
87. Had detention and not attend it? no
88. Dumped anyone? yes
89. Made a parent cry? yes
90. Cried over someone? yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? no
92. Dated someone more than once? yes
93. Have a dog? no
94. Own an instrument? yes
95. Been in a band? no
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no
97. Broken a cd? no
98. Shot a gun? yes
99. Dated a married person of the opposite sex? no
100. Written a love letter? yes

distant memory

2006-10-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

it's been just seven months, and i seem to have become nothing but a distant memory to him.

he's stopped asking about how i am, stopped caring about how i'm doing, stopped wanting to know that if i'm coping well in my new environment.

i saw him online today. he had a new display picture of him and his dog. he looks... happy. doesn't look as troubled. put on a little bit of weight too.

i feel a giant stab in my heart. "he's happier without me," i thought. i guess it's never easy to admit that you couldn't make the one you love happy. i guess it was doomed from the beginning-- with a suicidal ex-girlfriend i didn't know of, the long-distance, the cultural & social differences... i naively wanted to believe that love conquers all. oh how wrong i am!

well, maybe this new girlfriend of his-- simple she may be-- may just be the one to erase that pain in his eyes... the boy who sees a sad world.

coffee

2006-10-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

feeling like having a cuppa.

but then i might get insomnia again.

gah.

decisions deicisions...

mommy's girl

2006-10-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

funny how much gentler & more soothing my mom's voice seems now that we're thousands of miles apart.

well, at least this runaway journey, though rife with challenges and hell lot of pain, has taught me quite a number of things. one of which is to learn to appreciate all those that i've taken for granted for so long.

like my family.

i guess it's true that the closer someone is, the more we take for granted, and the more we tend to hurt. think for a moment-- if you had a bad day at work and a friend called & asked you out for dinner, you won't be raising your voice at him/her or adopt a very snappy tone yah? but what if that call was from your mother or father asking you what time you'll be home for dinner? a lot of times we'd put on a very impatient & abrasive tone, telling them that you're very busy and don't have time to talk.

guilty as charged?

i know i am.

but now, every phonecall from home is so precious. and i find myself not wanting to hang up. i was talking to my mom earlier, and was regaling tales of my kitchen adventures to her. my mom was all at once amused, surprised & rather pleased that i actually turned out to have inherited her cooking genes. i guess no one ever saw that one coming as i hardly cooked anything beyond instand noodles or pasta back home. but now-- ha! i can simply throw some ingredients together, add a pinch of that & a dash of that & voila! i'm not tooting my own horn, but i must say i do have a flair for cooking!

anyways, back to the conversation with my mom-- the sound of her laughter when i described my great cookouts was like pretty windchimes moving in the gentle breeze... so soothing. i guess it could be likened to how a mother feels when she hears her baby giggle & laugh... it felt so good to hear her laugh, especially since she's just gone through a harrowing time, having lost her own mother...

i miss home. and i can't wait to go home & give my mom a giant hug.

rain

2006-10-04T13:30:00.000+08:00

i've always liked the smell of rain-- mostly made up of the smell of damp earth and yet there's something so refreshing about it. i wait in anticipation for the rain to finally come. maybe there's a secret hope in me that the rain will wash away what's past and clean the slate for a new beginning. that the rain will wash away the tears in my heart...

i wish i were a little child again-- that i can run into the rain and not away from it, fearing that it'll ruin my brand new croc leather stilettos and designer bag. i want to jump into puddles and not be afraid of the splash i'll make. i want to walk and run and sing and dance... and not be afraid of what others might think. i want, above all, to forget all my cares and laugh in the rain...

but in reality, if i ever do run into the rain, it'll just be to hide the tears that i'm not able to hide anymore...

旧相片

2006-10-04T12:53:00.000+08:00

a post from my earlier blog... something i wrote when i was going through some old photos...

i see his smile,
and i remember the warmth of his lips on mine.

i see his hands,
and i remember that the safest feeling in the world, was when he held my hand in his.

i see his fingers,
and i remember the feeling of his touch on my skin.

i see his eyes,
and i remember the profound sadness in them that I wanted so badly to erase, but couldn't.

and then i realise,
i couldn't see clearly anymore... not with tears in my eyes...

the boy who sees a sad world

2006-10-04T12:49:00.000+08:00

he has always seen the world with a tinge of gray.

and she had so wanted to be the one to change that. she wanted to bring him joy, and to teach him a new way of looking at life. and she wanted to teach him how to love-- truly, madly, deeply.

she had failed. and she would never have the chance to do so anymore.

he's full of juxtapositions-- sometimes, he's like an old man who has seen too much and has grown weary and tired of the world; and yet at other times, he's like a child, willing to you take him into your arms and to shield him from the bad and harmful ways of the world.

he said that things are going well with her. she feels a gaint stab at her heart, but yet a part of her wishes him well-- she hopes that he can find true happiness. and she can't help but wonder, what kind of girl is she? would she be able to erase the pain and sadness that he has carried in his soul for the past twenty-odd years?

will this girl be able to accomplish what she had failed to do?

much as this path has caused her great pain, she has never regretted her decision. if she had to live her life over, she would probably have made the same choices.

the only regret that she has is that she will not be the one to bring him happiness-- the boy who sees a sad world.

october 4th

2006-10-04T12:35:00.001+08:00

october 4th.

it would have been 2 years & 9 months.

why am i still keeping count?

maybe one day i'll finally lose track...

十月
四日
今天
天晴

记忆
回忆
我想
逃避

呼吸
困难
心痛
无比

这段
感情
他已
放弃

伤的
痛的
只是
自己

就让
过去
永记
心里

某年
某日
不再
记起？

last goodbyes

2006-10-03T23:39:00.000+08:00

gah.

my head's pounding. must be all that crying & waking up in the middle of the night over the past few days.

my grandma passed away on sunday, and i couldn't get tickets back home as it's the "golden week" holidays... i.e. flights are fully booked.

i've never been close to grandma... otherwise known as ah po. she's my mom's natural mother, as opposed to the granny whom i've shared a room with for most of my life-- she's my mom's foster mother. it's a very long story... so maybe another time.

ah po... i see her on an average of 4 to 6 times a year... lunar new year, mother's day, her birthday, a cousin's wedding, or some other festivity.

i don't know ah po well... never heard stories of her past, never dozed off in her arms... but i know that when i look in the mirror, there are traces of her... the high cheekbones (not typical of chinese females), the deep set eyes (again not typical)... i had oft wondered if ah po had some caucasian blood in her, but never got the chance to ask her...

brother texted me on saturday morning, telling me that ah po is in critical condition in the hospital, and that i should pray for her. i called him right back, and i couldn't hold back the tears. granted i'm not that close to her, but still it hurts. she's my flesh and blood.

is she in pain? are her children with her? grandchildren? great-grandchildren? i felt so helpless, so lost. so i just dropped to my knees and prayed. i asked God not to let her suffer. if He must call her home, then do it gently. don't let her suffer. please don't let her suffer. just lead her home, gently.

and He did. on sunday morning, my ah po was called home to be with the Lord. i was told that she went peacefully. and amidst the pain, the tears, the heartache, i was glad that she went peacefully.

ah po was cremated today, and in a way, i'm glad i'm not there to witness the cremation. i wouldn't have been able to contain the grief. although i wish i had been able to say my last goodbyes to her...

goodbye, ah po... you'll be dearly missed...

maybe one day we'll meet again and you can tell me all the stories that i've missed out on...

runaway journey

2006-10-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

about six months ago, someone broke her heart.

utterly, completely.

the pain, the heartache-- was overwhelming. and besides the pain, she could feel... nothing.

nothing excites her, nothing brings her much joy. all she could feel was numbness.

she needed a jolt to her system. a drastic change. something to shock her into feeling something.

and when the opportunity came along for a brand new job in a foreign land, she grabbed it. what else could jolt her system more than having to leave all that is dear and familiar to her for the big unknown? if this doesn't make her feel something, then nothing ever will.

so she packed her bags, said her teary goodbyes, grit her teeth, and embarked on a brand new journey.

a journey that includes having to live alone, having to do her own ironing, cleaning, washing, cooking and tidying up, having no one to look after her when she's ill, having to cry herself to sleep at night sometimes...

it's an emotional rollercoaster ride alright.

will this journey be worth it? to escape the pain of the past, to run away from what she doesn't want to face...

i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

away from home

2006-10-03T20:19:00.000+08:00

it's hard being alone in a foreign land.

even though you speak their language. even though in many ways, it resembles home.

what's not to like about this big bright city? it's vibrance, the yummylicious food, the fab shopping.

yet, despite all its merits, it's still not home.

i miss my family, my friends, and all others in between...

a precious friend wrote this in a farewell card to me:

i want you to know that you're a friend who is irreplaceable at heart.

remember, this is home.

we will always be here for you.

love you dajie.