reading habits

have been wanting to bitch blog about this for some time already. but somehow the thought gets lost amid the chaos when i enter the office.

anyways, here goes: why do people read their papers/magazines/book while walking during RUSH HOUR, and in the process cause unneccesary delay to other commuters who are trying to get to work on time? these fellas will stand on the wrong side of the escalator (fyi, if you're gonna be stationary on the escalator, please keep to your right), move like molasses towards the exit, and advance at snail's pace up the stairs.

and then there are those who will read their materials in the sardine-packed, full to the brim, bursting at the sides MTR trains, and again, during RUSH HOUR. it's already a frigging pain to get on the train in the morning during rush hour, but these fellas will insist on taking up even more space by holding up their materials in front of their faces. and guess what? they're usually not even reading the news of the world-- it's the gossip rags of which celebrity's spotted with which, and who wore what to which event.

drives me crazy.

every single day.

my little epiphany

i wonder if it's age catching up with me, or an epiphany that came to me in living alone abroad.

suddenly, the big corporate world with its long ladders and pressure-cooker environment has lost its appeal to me. what's the point of working, no, slogging so hard everyday, doing things that you don't particularly like to do, dealing with people that you don't particularly enjoy dealing with, to earn that monthly wage so as to purchase that oh-so-desirable gadget/dress/bag/shoes/wallet/etc that you'd soon get bored of?

what's life when you don't have someone to share the ups and the downs, the serious things and the silly things, the noise and the silence, the exciting and the mundane, with? i'm not saying that everyone must have his/her 'other half' to be happy. i'm saying that this 'someone(s)' could be your family, your good friends...

this little revelation hit me hard especially on new year's eve. i was feeling really down and in the pits from my homesickness and the general feeling of being lost, and i didn't want to be alone on new year's eve. so i asked my friends about their friends, and all of them, each having their 'other half', said that they won't be doing much-- it'll be crazy crowded out there, and they'd much prefer to stay home and watch tv. but luckily, 2 of my friends issued separate invitations to join them & their other halves, and i took up one of the offers. it was just a simple meal at their place, followed by some tv time. they looked quite tired, and i couldn't bear to impose on them any longer, and so i left before watching the countdown on tv. i reached home at 11.59pm, and as i turned on the tv, the countdown began... first it was 30... then 20... then 10... and then, 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

i could hear the screaming from times square, which was about 5 minutes from my apartment, and all i could do was say 'happy new year!' to the air and no one in particular. after that i just sat there, and all i could think of was, 'so, it's 2007. ok. and then?'

i could remember so many new year countdowns where i was much happier, filled with anticipation and excitement and hope. but this year, it was just bleah. is it the age? or because i was lonely and alone?

and at that moment, all i wanted in the world was to be home. where i'll have my family and my dear friends around me. where there'll be voices to tell me that '2007 is gonna be better! just watch and see!'. but all i could hear then, beyond the screaming and thumping music from the maddening crowd in times square, was...... silence. and then i heard the silent tears in my heart.

so now i know-- all i want for 2007, is to be back home with the people i love and the people who love me. i want to happy doing what i do to earn a living. i don't have to have a fat fat paycheck every month (although having that would be nice), but i want a balanced lifestyle. i want time to spend doing the things i like, and time to spend with my family and friends. i want to tell the people who matter to me that they matter to me.

and i want to follow where He leads.

my mother (part II)

i think i've inherited my artistic flair from my mother. my mother does chinese calligraphy and chinese painting, and i must say that she's pretty good at it. she started lessons maybe 6 or 7 years ago, and has since converted the many walls of our home into her private gallery. i remember she once told me that she realised one day that her paintings seldom feature bright colours. she said that maybe it's a reflection of how she feels. it was like a giant stab in the heart when she said that. there are some things that i can help to change, but some things just can't be changed.

despite the dark clouds in my mother's heart, she's always been the life of the party amongst her friends-- the one with the witty repartee, naughty jibes and quick thinking. as long as my mother is at a party, then there'll always be no shortage of laughter there. she used to tell me all the nicknames she's cooked up for her teachers in school, as well as her friends. my mother is really quite the joker! she's well-loved and well respected, not only because she's a joy to be with, but also because she's truly a friend that one can depend on. my mother would be the one sending her friend to the doctor's when she's ill, the one her friends would call in the middle of the night if there's any trouble, the one who would just go that extra ten miles just for a friend. and she does this willingly, and without an expectation of reward or return. i don't think i know anyone else like that.

recently, when my biological grandmother passed away, a lot of truth has come to light, and for that, i'm really glad for my mother. one of her sisters, aunt j, used to be a fruit wholesaler in the late 80's. she did well, and was a very wealthy lady. but then that was not to last for long-- her business went down, and not soon after, she was declared bankrupt. before this happened, she handed my mother some money for safekeeping. the money was meant for my cousins' school fees and such. this sum of money was depleted after a while, with my cousin going for her diploma and needing money to buy books and such. and one day, when aunt j asked my mother for her money, my mother told her that there wasn't anymore. aunt j was very very upset and through the years, harboured the misconception that my mother kept the money for herself. she did not know her sister well indeed. at my grandmother's funeral, my mother and her siblings got into a heated debate, and somehow, the truth was spilled. when the money that aunt j left with my mother went dry, my mother still continued to give my cousin money for her school fees, and even pocket money. in short, my mother paid for my cousin's education and supported her through those few years when she was studying for her diploma. but my mother didn't broadcast this. she did it silently, and willingly. she didn't want my cousin's future to be in jeopardy because of her parents' financial ruin. when aunt j found out, she was so broken and sorry-- she had mistook her sister's love for selfishness all these years. and my mother was relieved that the truth has finally come to light. she thought that my cousin knew the source of the money all along, and was very puzzled by the attitude shown by aunt j, and the nonchalance of my cousin, who showed nary a bit of gratitude to my mother. but even when my mother suspected that there was a misunderstanding, she wasn't one to go declaring what she had done for her, and the injustice that she has suffered.

amazing, isn't she?