what makes me me

the office email is still down, and somehow, the weekend & end-of-year mood is creeping up on me, and so i'm feeling a little distracted and restless.

was reading a few blogs over the past few days (somehow, blogspot blogs are some of the few sites that i can actually access), and i was prompted to write this entry-- what makes me me.

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i'm the girl (actually, it should be woman, but i still prefer calling myself a girl. at least for this entry) who has a heart of made of marshmallows. she may be all tough and jaded on the outside, but she's the girl who would tear when watching the news-- wars, conflict, tragedies, triumphs of mankind... i'm the girl who likes to indulge herself in weepy korean drama serials and who relishes the feeling of free-flowing tears down her cheeks. i'm the girl who would pause to give to the old beggars round the street corners whom everyone passes with nary a glance. even though she has been warned that they are probably not 'real' beggars but part of a syndicate. but when she sees their dirty faces, sad eyes and matted hair, she can't help but feel sorry for them. especially the poor old ladies with silvery white hair. 'cos she would always imagine if her beloved grandmother was in their shoes.

i'm the girl who seemingly has a fantastic career and a bright future ahead of her, but what she really wants is a family to call her own and be a doting wife and mother. i'm the girl who cries while ironing her clothes not because she's feeling sorry for herself, but because she is suddenly overwhelmed with all that her mother has done for her and the family. here she is, ironing her own clothes for barely a few months, and it's already feeling like such a pain & chore. what about her mother? over 30 years of ironing clothes for a family of 5, in addition to all the other household chores. what is her little inconvenience compared to her mother's giving?

i'm the girl who hates the smell & taste of bamboo shoots.

i'm the girl who loves the smell of the air just before and after the rain. i'm the girl who always tries to be there for her brother, even though the reverse may not be true. it hurts when he puts others before her family & her, but he's nonetheless her only brother, and she would want to be there for him as much as she can.

i'm the girl who loves bling-bling and has a tiny obssession for beautiful jewellery & accessories, and who hopes to have a daughter to one day inherit all these sparkling & glittering treasures. i'm the girl who loves to snooze in bed in the morning, hiding under the warmth of her down duvet and willing the day to be a weekend instead.

i'm the girl who is harbouring a crush on someone from her past, but thinks that the feeling is not quite so mutual, and therefore is carrying a certain heaviness in her heart. afterall, it's been a long long time since she felt anything that remotely like this. not since her heart got broken by the boy who sees a sad sad world.

i'm the girl who laughs more than she screams on thrilling & heart-stopping theme park rides. i'm the girl who wishes so much for someone who would go on childish theme park rides with her and win soft toys (that don't have much use) for her at funfairs. she wants to share cotton candy and popcorn, hotdogs and taiwanese sausages with that special someone while laughing and giggling without a care in the world.

i'm the girl who's terrified of lizards but will valiantly face and track down a cockroach on her own. i'm the girl who thinks that dogs and cats and other domesticated animals are cute-- but only in photographs or more than 5 feet away from her.

i'm the girl who adores dark chocolate but would settle for milk chocolate when the former is not available. white chocolate is hardly passes for chocolate, but she'd settle for it sometimes (beggars can't be choosers). i'm the girl who's got a slight addiction to coke light and is hounded by many to give it up in favour of its more 'sinful' cousin-- coke, the real thing, in all its sugary glory.

i'm the girl who loves her parents dearly, but could never say the words 'i love you' right out loud to them, even though these very words were uttered to boys who have stolen her heart through the years. i'm the girl hopes that someday she can send her parents on an extended vacation in a city of their choice, and on a business class flight, no less.

i'm the girl who sings in the shower and dances in front of the mirror when no one's looking. i'm the girl who hates the sight of hair strands lying on the white carpet in her room. i'm the girl who was the fierce little girl in school and wouldn't hesitate to challenge the boys to a fight although her bark is actually much much worse than her bite.

i'm the girl who doesn't like to gamble because she doesn't like the feeling of losing. when her friends are short of one 'leg' at a mahjong game, she'd fill in, but only on the agreement that if she wins, she doesn't take, if she loses, she doesn't give. i'm the girl who still wants to believe in happily-ever-afters even with rising divorce rates and growing number of friends with unfaithful spouses or other-halves.

i'm the girl who misses home and wants to return home soon.