my mother (part I)

my mother is one of the most amazing women i know. she's not a high-powered executive of some multinational, no long strings of academic achievements, no record-breaking feat or anything that the world in general classifies as 'amazing'.

she is a mother of 2-- my brother and i. she quit her job when she had me so that she could concentrate on taking care of us full-time. and i'm forever thankful that she did.

as a mother to 2 young children, my mother was very strict and stern. we were not allowed to open the fridge on our own lest we chomp on some junk food and spoil our appetite for lunch/dinner. we were not allowed to take things-- sweets, toys, and whatever that came between-- from others without first seeking her approval. when we cried for reasons unjustified, she would threaten in cantonese, "i'm going to count to three, and if you still don't stop crying, you're going to get it from me... one... two...". usually by the count of 2, the wailing of my brother or mine would be reduced to silent hiccups.

when my dad bought our first family car, my mom took on the role of family chauffeur-- she drove my brother and i everywhere (well, mostly me lah). she would ferry me to school, to ballet lessons, to chinese dance classes and whatever other classes i was attending. this is something that is carried on to this very day (when i'm back in singapore). yes, my mom still gives me a ride to wherever i need to me at this grand old age of mine. call me spoilt if you want, but this is my mother's special way of telling me that she loves me. and i'm not about to silence that.

my mother is a very helpful and kind-hearted soul and generosity is her middle-name. she would always volunteer to help out at charity functions during my schooling years, but preferring to stay behind the scenes to do all the prepartory and dirty work. when a handicapped person comes by our table at the hawker centre to sell one of those over-priced soft toys, my mom would oblige, and always with a kind smile. believe you me, she has no use for that toy. she's the one who would call in during televised charity fundraising shows and donate by denominations of $50-- don't call her gullible or naive; my mother just wants to help however and whenever she can. she would sometimes quietly make out cheques of hundreds or even a thousand dollars to charity, and never one to boast of this in front of her friends. and mind you, my family is not a fabulously wealthy one. we're middle-income and comfortable, but by no sense of the word rich.

my mother is also a woman of strength. in all of my 30 years, the times i've seen her cry can be counted with my 2 hands. (with a daughter who cries over the news, this is pretty amazing.) the 2nd eldest in her family of 8 siblings, she was the one who took control and organized the funeral proceedings when her father passed away many many years ago. there was the usual squabbling and pushing of responsibility, and my mother being my mother, decided that that isn't going to get them anywhere, so she called for the squabbling to stop and then decided to take control of the reins. the same thing happened again earlier this year, when her mother passed away. she was the pillar of strength, the level-headed and calm one who made sure that everything was well-taken care of.

of the tears that she has shed, much of it was out of sheer frustration. i know that she feels stuck-- her 2 children are now both grown adults, and are capable of taking care of themselves, and are financially independent, so it's time for her and my father to take things a little easier, and perhaps go on a well-deserved long vacation or two. but then there's my grandma (my mother's foster mother). my mother loves my grandma dearly, but she can't help but feel trapped as she has to take care of her and also listen to her endless grumblings and mumblings and sighs and nags. my mom would only go out to do some grocery shopping, and my grandma would ask a gazillion questions on where she is going, when she is coming back, etc. and if my mother stayed out for just a while longer, she would come home to a sulking grandma who would alternate between throwing tantrums and self-pity. i wish i could do something, but my grandma only wants my mother to take care of her. and she isn't someone who's easy to take care of.

there was an incident when my mother cried in recent months-- just before my big move to hong kong. she was very supportive of my decision, and has been telling me that it's a good chance for me to see the world and experience something new. she was all smiles and nonchalance before her friends and my extended family, who kept plying her with questions of "you bear to let her go meh?". one day, while giving me a ride to town, when the car was stopped in front of a red light, my mother turned to me and said, "girl ah, if you encounter anything unhappy there, you must let us know ok, don't keep it to yourself and bear it alone...". and then her voice broke and she started sobbing. i was so stunned for a moment. then i reached for a napkin and passed it to her, and then rubbed her shoulders and reassured her that i will. i had to muster all my willpower to blink back my own tears. it was at that instant that i realised that i'll forever be my mother's little girl, her little princess who has to be cherished and protected from the big bad world. my mother was worried, and it pained her to see her little princess go, but yet she didn't want to keep me from my dreams...

To be continued...