distant memory

it's been just seven months, and i seem to have become nothing but a distant memory to him.

he's stopped asking about how i am, stopped caring about how i'm doing, stopped wanting to know that if i'm coping well in my new environment.

i saw him online today. he had a new display picture of him and his dog. he looks... happy. doesn't look as troubled. put on a little bit of weight too.

i feel a giant stab in my heart. "he's happier without me," i thought. i guess it's never easy to admit that you couldn't make the one you love happy. i guess it was doomed from the beginning-- with a suicidal ex-girlfriend i didn't know of, the long-distance, the cultural & social differences... i naively wanted to believe that love conquers all. oh how wrong i am!

well, maybe this new girlfriend of his-- simple she may be-- may just be the one to erase that pain in his eyes... the boy who sees a sad world.

coffee

feeling like having a cuppa.

but then i might get insomnia again.

gah.

decisions deicisions...

mommy's girl

funny how much gentler & more soothing my mom's voice seems now that we're thousands of miles apart.

well, at least this runaway journey, though rife with challenges and hell lot of pain, has taught me quite a number of things. one of which is to learn to appreciate all those that i've taken for granted for so long.

like my family.

i guess it's true that the closer someone is, the more we take for granted, and the more we tend to hurt. think for a moment-- if you had a bad day at work and a friend called & asked you out for dinner, you won't be raising your voice at him/her or adopt a very snappy tone yah? but what if that call was from your mother or father asking you what time you'll be home for dinner? a lot of times we'd put on a very impatient & abrasive tone, telling them that you're very busy and don't have time to talk.

guilty as charged?

i know i am.

but now, every phonecall from home is so precious. and i find myself not wanting to hang up. i was talking to my mom earlier, and was regaling tales of my kitchen adventures to her. my mom was all at once amused, surprised & rather pleased that i actually turned out to have inherited her cooking genes. i guess no one ever saw that one coming as i hardly cooked anything beyond instand noodles or pasta back home. but now-- ha! i can simply throw some ingredients together, add a pinch of that & a dash of that & voila! i'm not tooting my own horn, but i must say i do have a flair for cooking!

anyways, back to the conversation with my mom-- the sound of her laughter when i described my great cookouts was like pretty windchimes moving in the gentle breeze... so soothing. i guess it could be likened to how a mother feels when she hears her baby giggle & laugh... it felt so good to hear her laugh, especially since she's just gone through a harrowing time, having lost her own mother...

i miss home. and i can't wait to go home & give my mom a giant hug.

rain

i've always liked the smell of rain-- mostly made up of the smell of damp earth and yet there's something so refreshing about it. i wait in anticipation for the rain to finally come. maybe there's a secret hope in me that the rain will wash away what's past and clean the slate for a new beginning. that the rain will wash away the tears in my heart...

i wish i were a little child again-- that i can run into the rain and not away from it, fearing that it'll ruin my brand new croc leather stilettos and designer bag. i want to jump into puddles and not be afraid of the splash i'll make. i want to walk and run and sing and dance... and not be afraid of what others might think. i want, above all, to forget all my cares and laugh in the rain...

but in reality, if i ever do run into the rain, it'll just be to hide the tears that i'm not able to hide anymore...

旧相片

a post from my earlier blog... something i wrote when i was going through some old photos...


i see his smile,
and i remember the warmth of his lips on mine.

i see his hands,
and i remember that the safest feeling in the world, was when he held my hand in his.

i see his fingers,
and i remember the feeling of his touch on my skin.

i see his eyes,
and i remember the profound sadness in them that I wanted so badly to erase, but couldn't.

and then i realise,
i couldn't see clearly anymore... not with tears in my eyes...

the boy who sees a sad world

he has always seen the world with a tinge of gray.

and she had so wanted to be the one to change that. she wanted to bring him joy, and to teach him a new way of looking at life. and she wanted to teach him how to love-- truly, madly, deeply.

she had failed. and she would never have the chance to do so anymore.

he's full of juxtapositions-- sometimes, he's like an old man who has seen too much and has grown weary and tired of the world; and yet at other times, he's like a child, willing to you take him into your arms and to shield him from the bad and harmful ways of the world.

he said that things are going well with her. she feels a gaint stab at her heart, but yet a part of her wishes him well-- she hopes that he can find true happiness. and she can't help but wonder, what kind of girl is she? would she be able to erase the pain and sadness that he has carried in his soul for the past twenty-odd years?

will this girl be able to accomplish what she had failed to do?

much as this path has caused her great pain, she has never regretted her decision. if she had to live her life over, she would probably have made the same choices.

the only regret that she has is that she will not be the one to bring him happiness-- the boy who sees a sad world.

october 4th

october 4th.

it would have been 2 years & 9 months.

why am i still keeping count?

maybe one day i'll finally lose track...

十月
四日
今天
天晴

记忆
回忆
我想
逃避

呼吸
困难
心痛
无比

这段
感情
他已
放弃

伤的
痛的
只是
自己

就让
过去
永记
心里

某年
某日
不再
记起？

last goodbyes

gah.

my head's pounding. must be all that crying & waking up in the middle of the night over the past few days.

my grandma passed away on sunday, and i couldn't get tickets back home as it's the "golden week" holidays... i.e. flights are fully booked.

i've never been close to grandma... otherwise known as ah po. she's my mom's natural mother, as opposed to the granny whom i've shared a room with for most of my life-- she's my mom's foster mother. it's a very long story... so maybe another time.

ah po... i see her on an average of 4 to 6 times a year... lunar new year, mother's day, her birthday, a cousin's wedding, or some other festivity.

i don't know ah po well... never heard stories of her past, never dozed off in her arms... but i know that when i look in the mirror, there are traces of her... the high cheekbones (not typical of chinese females), the deep set eyes (again not typical)... i had oft wondered if ah po had some caucasian blood in her, but never got the chance to ask her...

brother texted me on saturday morning, telling me that ah po is in critical condition in the hospital, and that i should pray for her. i called him right back, and i couldn't hold back the tears. granted i'm not that close to her, but still it hurts. she's my flesh and blood.

is she in pain? are her children with her? grandchildren? great-grandchildren? i felt so helpless, so lost. so i just dropped to my knees and prayed. i asked God not to let her suffer. if He must call her home, then do it gently. don't let her suffer. please don't let her suffer. just lead her home, gently.

and He did. on sunday morning, my ah po was called home to be with the Lord. i was told that she went peacefully. and amidst the pain, the tears, the heartache, i was glad that she went peacefully.

ah po was cremated today, and in a way, i'm glad i'm not there to witness the cremation. i wouldn't have been able to contain the grief. although i wish i had been able to say my last goodbyes to her...

goodbye, ah po... you'll be dearly missed...

maybe one day we'll meet again and you can tell me all the stories that i've missed out on...

runaway journey

about six months ago, someone broke her heart.

utterly, completely.

the pain, the heartache-- was overwhelming. and besides the pain, she could feel... nothing.

nothing excites her, nothing brings her much joy. all she could feel was numbness.

she needed a jolt to her system. a drastic change. something to shock her into feeling something.

and when the opportunity came along for a brand new job in a foreign land, she grabbed it. what else could jolt her system more than having to leave all that is dear and familiar to her for the big unknown? if this doesn't make her feel something, then nothing ever will.

so she packed her bags, said her teary goodbyes, grit her teeth, and embarked on a brand new journey.

a journey that includes having to live alone, having to do her own ironing, cleaning, washing, cooking and tidying up, having no one to look after her when she's ill, having to cry herself to sleep at night sometimes...

it's an emotional rollercoaster ride alright.

will this journey be worth it? to escape the pain of the past, to run away from what she doesn't want to face...

i guess we'll just have to wait and see...

away from home

it's hard being alone in a foreign land.

even though you speak their language. even though in many ways, it resembles home.

what's not to like about this big bright city? it's vibrance, the yummylicious food, the fab shopping.

yet, despite all its merits, it's still not home.

i miss my family, my friends, and all others in between...

a precious friend wrote this in a farewell card to me:

i want you to know that you're a friend who is irreplaceable at heart.

remember, this is home.

we will always be here for you.

love you dajie.